MARRIAGE IN ISLAM
(Arab News)
Prophet Muhammad's (pbuh)Last Sermon
This Sermon was delivered on the Ninth Day of Dhul Hijjah 10 A.H in
the Uranah Valley of mount Arafat
"O People, lend me an attentive ear, for I don't know whether,
after this year, I shall ever be amongst you again. Therefore listen to
what I am saying to you carefully and take these words to those who could
not be present here today.
O People, just as you regard this month, this day, this city as Sacred,
so regard the life and property of every Muslim as a sacred trust. Return
the goods entrusted to you to their rightful owners. Hurt no one so that
no one may hurt you. Remember that you will indeed meet your Lord, and
that He will indeed reckon your deeds. Allah has forbidden you to take
usury (Interest), therefore all interest obligation shall henceforth be
waived...
Beware of Satan, for your safety of your religion. He has lost all hope
that he will ever be able to lead you astray in big things, so beware of
following him in small things.
O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your
women, but they also have right over you. If they abide by your right then
to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your
women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed
helpers. And it is your right that they do not make friends with any one
of whom you do not approve, as well as never to commit adultery.
O People, listen to me in earnest, worship Allah, say your five daily
prayers (Salah), fast during the month of Ramadhan, and give your wealth
in Zakat. Perform Hajj if you can afford to. You know that every Muslim
is the brother of another Muslim. You are all equal. Nobody has superiority
over other except by piety and good action.
Remember, one day you will appear before Allah and answer for your deeds.
So beware, do not astray from the path of righteousness after I am gone.
O People, no prophet or apostle will come after me and no new faith
will be born. Reason well, therefore, O People, and understand my words
which I convey to you. I leave behind me two things, the Qur'an and my
example, the Sunnah and if you follow these you will never go astray.
All those who listen to me shall pass on my words to others and those
to others again; and may the last ones understand my words better than
those who listen to me directly. Be my witness oh Allah that I have conveyed
your message to your people."
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Conditions of marriage
Q). Could you please explain the relative importance of the practices
of marriage and which of them are essential for the marriage contract and
which are only recommended or voluntary?
Sherfudeen, Madinah
A). Marriage itself is a Sunnah,
which means that it is recommended, not obligatory to us. Therefore, if
a Muslim does not marry throughout his life, he commits no sin, although
he has chosen a course for his life different from that recommended by
the Prophet. The recommendation is made in the strongest of terms, as the
Prophet says: "Marriage is my way, (i.e. Sunnah) and a person who
disdains to follow my way does not belong to me." Yet the emphasis
put on the recommendation is only to heighten its desirability. It is not
to be understood from this hadith that a person who remains unmarried throughout
his life removes himself from the fold of Islam or even commits a sin.
Divorce on the other hand is permissible
but described as unsavory or distasteful. It is permitted because of the
need for it. In any society, a proportion of marriages are unsuccessful,
due to a variety of reasons, the most common among which is the incompatibility
between the characters of the husband and his wife. Therefore, a way out
is provided for them through divorce.
The most essential aspect of the
marriage contract is the commitment and acceptance. One party, normally
the guardian of the bride, makes the commitment by stating that he marries
away the woman on whose behalf he is acting to the prospective husband
according to the Islamic way and for a specific dower. The bridegroom declares
then his acceptance of that commitment and that he has married the woman
according to the terms specified. That constitutes the marriage contract.
Both commitment and acceptance must be done in the same session, and should
not be separated by other matters.
Witnesses must be present at the
time of the contract and a minimum of two is required for the purpose.
The important aspect is that marriage must be publicized. The minimum publicity
is provided by the presence of two witnesses. The witnesses must be present
at the time when the commitment and acceptance is made, and they should
be sane, adults and must hear the contract being made and understand that
it means marriage. Therefore, if a child or a mad or deaf or drunken person
witnesses the marriage contract being made, the contract is not valid.
The presence of such persons is the same as their absence.
The guardian of the woman to be married
should also be present. The Prophet says: "No marriage can be made
without the presence of a guardian and two proper witnesses." (Related
by Ad Daraqutni). The woman's guardian is normally her father. If her father
is present, no one other than him may act for her. If he is dead or absent,
then one of her closest relatives should act as her guardian, such as her
brother, grandfather or uncle.
The dower is also necessary in the
marriage contract. It is compensation paid to the bride and it becomes
her own property and she disposes of it in the way she likes. Its amount
is fixed by agreement between the two partners. If a marriage contract
is made without the dower being specified, the contract is valid, but the
woman does not forfeit her right to receive a dower. If her husband refuses
to give her what she asks, then she can put the case to a Muslim judge
who will rule that she must be given the equivalent of what is given by
way of dower to women in her social status.
A dower can be a very little amount.
At the time of the Prophet, a woman accepted a pair of shoes as her dower.
The Prophet asked her whether it was her decision and whether she accepts.
She answered in the affirmative and he endorsed the marriage. Another woman
came to the Prophet and declared that she makes a gift of herself to the
Prophet. A man asked him to marry her to him. The Prophet asked him whether
he had anything to give her by-way of dower. The man said that he had nothing
except his dress. The Prophet said that if he were to give her his dress,
he would have nothing to wear. The man tried to fund something to give
her but could come up with nothing. The Prophet said try to send even a
ring of iron, but the man could not find anything. The Prophet asked him
whether he memorized anything of the Qur'an, the man said he knew several
surahs. The Prophet allowed the marriage to go through on the condition
that the man would teach his wife the parts of the Qur'an he knew.
Another story from the time of the
Prophet, which has been reported by Anas, says that Abu Talhah made a proposal
to many a woman called Umm Sulaim. She said: "You are a man whom no
woman would refuse, but you are a non-Muslim while I am a Muslim. It is
not permissible for me to many you. If you were to become a Muslim, I will
accept that as my dower and I ask you for nothing else." He declared
that he has accepted the religion of Islam. That was the dower he gave
to his wife. All these hadiths show that it is permissible to give a small
amount of money as a dower or even to pay it in the form of rendering a
service, such as teaching one's wife some parts of the Our' an.
Having said that the dower, or mehr,
may be very little in amount there is no maximum limit to what a man may
pay his wife by way of dower. The Prophet, however, has strongly recommended
us not to demand excessive dowers. He says "The best of women are
those with pretty faces and cheap dowers." There is a strong indication
in that hadith that the dower should never be related to looks. A woman
is not a commodity, which a man buys at a price, which takes into consideration
how pretty she looks. She is life partner to him and she gives him a benefit
for which she is entitled to have compensation.
When the marriage contract is made,
it is recommended, (i.e. sunnah) for someone, preferably the person who
instructs the two parties what to say to make sure of the correctness of
the contract, to say a few words, reminding the people who are present
of Allah and the need to conduct one's life according to Islam. He may
quote some verses of the Qur'an, which are suitable for the occasion and
remind people that they should always remain God-fearing.
I have already said that it is important
to publicize marriage. The Prophet has also recommended that marriage should
be celebrated with some singing. The Prophet is also quoted as saying:
"The difference between what is legitimate and what is illegitimate
is the sound of the tambourine." This again refers to publicity. When
people arrange for some singing and music they add to the publicity of
the marriage, which confirms that the relationship between the man and
the woman is a legitimate one. On the other hand, when they are secretive
about the marriage, there may be something suspicious in that relationship
which could take it into the realm of what is forbidden.
Another strongly recommended practice
is to invite people to a meal. The prophet said to his companion, Abdurahman
ibn Auf, when he got married: "Arrange a dinner party even if you
can only afford a lamb." Both Al-Bukhari and Muslim relate the hadith
reported by Anas which says: "The prophet has not given a marriage
party (i.e. Waleemah) for any of his wives better than that he gave when
he married Zainab: he provided one lamb." This means that in other
marriages, the prophet could not afford a lamb, but that did not prevent
him from giving a party. Therefore, the waleemah is a strongly recommended
practice, but it need not be anything grand.
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The
Dower and when to pay it.
Q). Is it compulsory to fix
and pay the dower at the time of marriage? Does it remain due at any time,
if it is not duly paid when the contract is made? Does a wife have a right
to demand its payment at any time? Please comment on practices that are
not in line with Islamic teachings on this matter.
S. Ridwanuddin, Riyadh
A). The dower is an amount
of money or some other useful commodity paid or given by a man to his wife
at the time of their marriage. It is agreed between them, or between their
families in consultation with her. It must be understood that it is due
to her in return for agreeing to marry her husband and becoming lawful
for him. It becomes due and payable at the time when the marriage contract
is made.
There is no minimum or maximum for
the dower. Any amount may be agreed between the two parties, although a
reasonable amount is preferable in order to facilitate marriage for young
men and women.
Payment of the whole or a part of
the dower may be deferred if the woman agrees to it. She may also forgo
part or all of it, if she chooses.
However she must be under no pressure
to do that at any time. If payment is deferred, the dower remains payable
at any time she demands it. It should be considered as a debt that is already
due, or a deferred debt. What a husband must understand is that he actually
takes what is due to him under the marriage contract once the contract
is made. Hence, his commitment, i.e. the dower, is also due at the same
time.
Putting any pressure on the wife
to forgo part or all of her dower is forbidden. She may do this of her
own accord, but not under any pressure. Yet in many situations, a wife
is pressured to forfeit her right to have dower. For one thing, it is often
agreed by the bridegroom with no intention to pay it. It is treated a formality
or some type of bother.
In some parts of the Muslim world,
certain traditions have crept in to deprive the wife of her right to have
a dower. She is actually told by her family to tell her husband on the
wedding night that she forgoes her dower in full. The poor girl often does
not know what she is doing when she says those words. She does not know
that she is entitled to a dower or that it is hers by God's order. She
simply wastes it because she is told to do so.
In other parts of the Muslim world,
the wife is required to pay her husband some dowry, which is often in gold
or jewelry. That puts her at a disadvantage, because when her family has
gone into the trouble of paying all that, the prospect of losing it all
will look dreadful. If things go wrong with her marriage and the poor woman
starts to think that a divorce is better for her, she will find her family
totally unresponsive.
To them the idea of divorce means
only material loss. The woman finds herself in between two types of pressures
and she may be very miserable.
If a husband dies without having
paid his wife's dower, she remains entitled to receive it. It is payable
from his estate as a debt. It is well known that debts are the first thing
to be paid out of the estate of any deceased person. Again if she is pressured
at this stage to forgo it, she is deprived of her right. The importance
of a dower may be properly understood when it is remembered that if a marriage
contract does not specify any amount of dower, and the two parties do not
agree such an amount between them, it remains payable. They may agree its
amount after marriage.
If they do not come to an agreement,
the woman may put the matter to an Islamic court which will give her an
amount equal to the average dower of girls in her social status.
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Fixing
of dower.
Q). Is the dower, or mehr,
calculated on the basis of one's earning? If so how much should one who
receives onethousand three hundred riyals per month pay as dower? Or is
it calculated on the basis of the expected earnings in the future?
A). The dower, or mehr, is
an amount of money which is paid by the bridegroom to his bride as one
of the conditions for the validity of the marriage. It is a right to which
every bride is entitled. Its amount is not calculated on the basis of any
particular criterion. It is simply agreed upon by the parties concerned.
Normally, the amount is fixed through negotiations between the two families
or the bridegroom and the guardian of the bride. Her agreement to its amount
is essential. It has no minimum or maximum amount. The income of the bridegroom
at present or what is expected in the future is immaterial. If the marriage
contract is made without fixing the amount of dower, for any reason, the
wife does not forfeit her right.
She can still claim it and it can
be fixed by mutual agreement between her and her husband. If they fail
to agree, she can refer the matter to an Islamic court which will fix the
amount of dower on the basis of the average for girls in her social status.
Moreover, she need not forgo any part of her dower, or mehr, to her husband
on the wedding night or subsequently. This amount of money is hers and
she is fully entitled to dispense with it the way she likes.
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Marriage
without dowry.
Q). I know that paying
dowry is necessary for marriage. If a man cannot afford to pay a dowry,
is he expected to remain single for the rest of his life? Is this not contradictory
with the teachings of Islam?
R.Aniff, Dammam.
A). While the payment of a
dowry is essential for Islamic marriage, the Prophet recommends us not
to ask exorbitant dowries for our daughters. He praises in clear terms
a woman who marries for a small dowry. He is absolutely clear on this point,
showing that those who receive high dowry need not take any pride in that.
Islam encourages all Muslim men and
women to get married. This is not contradictory with the imposition of
a dowry, because dowry is simply a compensation for the bride in return
for her becoming the wife of her husband. By marrying him, it is she who
sacrifices more. Hence, the compensation is needed. If she chooses, to
accepts a small dowry that should endear her more to her husband.
The prophet makes the criteria for
selecting a husband for one’s daughter very clear. He tells us: "If
someone with a satisfactory standard of faith and honesty comes to seeking
marriage, then give him (your daughter or sister) in marriage.” If you
refuse, that will lead to spread of great corruption in the land.
What a person of limited means needs
to do in order to be married, then, is to score highly on the more important
points of good character, strong faith and genuine honesty. If he does
that, he will soon find the family, which appreciates his virtue more than
people normally, appreciate his money. They will be glad to give him their
daughter in marriage.
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Paying
dowries to husbands a shameful sin
Q) I am thoroughly disgusted.
I come from a poor family in a predominantly Muslim state in India. My
family received a proposal for marriage for me to a well off family. However,
I learnt from your Column that giving dowry by the bride to the groom is
un-Islamic, When my father pointed this out to them, they immediately cancelled
the proposal. I don't care about that; perhaps it is better so. But what
about the Islamic nature of such people!
Name withheld, Hyderabad (Living
in Jeddah)
A). Marriage is a social contract
between a man and a woman. Islam requires the man to give a dowry to his
wife The Our'an stipulates that it should be offered "as a gift."
that is out of good will and with the conviction that it is her right.
As is the case with everyone who owns property, no one else, neither her
husband himself nor guardian can make use of it or tell her what she should
do with it. Thus, Islam establishes the woman's right to ownership, which
is free from control or dominance on the husband's part. This applies as
well to anything else she might own, whether she obtained it as a gift,
through inheritance or through work or investment.
The dower is not a "bride price,"
nor does it reflect the value of the woman in any way. It is based upon
mutual agreement between the man and his bride, usually through her father
or guardian. No amount is specified by law, and it varies according to
the man's financial ability as well as recognized custom. Once when a poor
man told the Prophet that he had nothing to give as a bridal gift. He was
told. "Look for anything, even if only an iron ring.'' On failing
to produce even that. It was agreed that the dower would be his teaching
her what he knew of the Our'an. Thus, Islam emphasizes the necessity of
the dowry without stipulating its material value.
While the husband is encouraged to
give generously according to his means. It is totally contrary to the teachings
of Islam for parents or guardians to demand such dowries for their daughters
as to cause hardship on prospective husbands.
The most blessed of marriages
are those without financial burden. In Islam husbands are to be chosen
for excellence in religion and moral character, not for social status or
wealth. Just as a wife is to be chosen for her moral character and not
for her wealth or her beauty.
Islam grants women equal rights to
make contracts, launch enterprises, earn and possess wealth and property
independently. No matter what the source, any wealth in a woman's possession
is hers alone, and her right of ownership cannot be contested. She has
full control and authority over her own property and money, the right to
keep or spend, to buy, sell or invest: to give or bequeath.
If she has a job or business, the
husband and other family members have no right to any of her income unless
she offers it willingly or has entered into an agreement. If she is harmed,
she gets due compensation equal to what a man in her position would get.
It is with these facts of Islamic
personal law in mind that we wish to remind our fellow Muslims, particularly
from the Indo-Pak subcontinent that the totally unacceptable practice where
the bride has to pay a dowry (or whatever its protagonists wish to call
it) is against God's law, invites the wrath of God and those who continue
to be involved in such anti Islamic activities while knowing that it is
against the Shariah, are committing a grievous sin
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The
dowry system in Indian Subcontinent
Q). In India there is a traditional
dowry system which is payable by the bride to the bridegroom. Please clarify
whether this is totally forbidden or only discouraged in Islam. If forbidden,
does it affect the validity of the marriage? Suppose that the bride's father
willingly and without any compulsion gives gold, money or property to the
bridegroom, can the bridegroom accept that?
In certain areas, the authorities
of a mosque charge ten to twenty percent of the dowry as a penalty and
use this to meet the expenditure of the mosque. Is this correct?
M. Abdolkareem, Hofuf- Alhassa
A). We have been recently
making a distinction between dowry and dower. By dowry we mean the practice
which exists in certain Muslim communities under which a bride gives to
her bridegroom an amount of money in gold, cash or property. Dower,
on the other hand, is the English equivalent of the Arabic "mehr
" which means the amount of money paid by the husband to his wife
at the time when the marriage contract is made.
The dowry system is unknown to the
majority of Islamic countries and communities, which suggests that it could
have been borrowed from other cultures. There is nothing extraordinary
in this since different cultures have always borrowed practices and traditions
from each other. The dowry system, for example, is practiced in the Indian
Subcontinent where Hindus form the majority. The cultural study of that
society would reveal that Muslims have borrowed this practice from Hindus.
This is not to say that Islam has
been influenced by Hinduism in India. It is often the case that when a
new religion spreads in a new area or country, Muslims in that area retain
some of their old traditions which they have been practicing for centuries.
No one suggests that Islam creates a uniform society in all environments
and all periods of history. Islam, however, stops certain practices and
traditions which are opposed to its principles. But there are many reasons
for a tradition to survive a fundamental social change like that of adopting
a new religion. One of these is the poor economic situation of the country
concerned. There are other reasons and social pressures, which can be identified
if a case study is undertaken in the case of dowry. The poverty of a large
spectrum of a very large population is perhaps the major reason for the
system to continue among Muslims. It is very difficult for a young man
to save enough money to establish a new home and to look after a family
of his own. Therefore the two families need to collaborate together in
establishing a home for a newly married couple.
Whatever the reasons, Islam does
not approve of the dowry being a condition for marriage. It is in fact
the opposite of the Islamic system, which requires the bridegroom to pay
"mehr" or dower to the bride. That dower becomes a wife's property
and she has sole discretion over how she spends it. It is open to her to
give back to her husband any part of that dower after the marriage has
taken place, provided that she does so without any pressure being exercised
on her, explicitly or implicitly.
It may be said that this is what
is done in the Muslim community in the Indian Subcontinent. A dower is
agreed between the two parties, but then it is forgone by the wife at a
later stage. The fact is that the dower is treated as an awkward technicality.
It is mentioned in the marriage contract but on the wedding night, the
bride is taught by her family that she must tell the bridegroom that she
has forgone every part of it. In other words, she is not doing it out of
her own free will. She has no choice in the matter. The bridegroom expects
that she would do that. If she does not do it, there may be trouble within
the family, especially if the figure named is high. Perhaps neither the
bride nor the bridegroom know why they have to go through this process
of naming a figure and forgoing its payment. Islam provides for a dower
to be paid as a compensation for the woman in return for the obligation
marriage imposes on her to be a good bed fellow to her husband. In other
words, she is giving ouof herself something to her husband, in consideration
of which she is entitled to receive an amount of money in cash or kind,
which she deems to be appropriate. Therefore, a woman's right to a dower
is not lost unless she herself relinquishes it. For this reason, if the
dower is not specified in the marriage contract, the woman does not lose
her claim to it. She may ask her husband to give her something, which she
deems to be satisfactory. If they can agree on a figure, then she may apply
to an Islamic court, which will specify an amount, which is normally given
to a bride in her social status.
It is now clear that the dower payable
by the bridegroom is the one, which Islam requires in marriage. The dowry
system is merely a tradition in certain societies. We cannot say to a man
who wants to see his daughter married and, therefore, gives her suitor
a dowry that he has done something forbidden. We simply say to him that
this is not the way Islamic marriage is arranged. It does not affect the
validity of the marriage. Nor is it forbidden for the bridegroom to accept
the gifts given to him by his father-inlaw. But we should try to explain
to the community that the dowry system impedes marriage and is not sanctioned
by Islam. When people are aware of this the tradition of the dowry may
weaken within the Muslim community and it may give way to the proper Islamic
tradition.
As for imposing a tax or a penalty
on a bridegroom who receives a dowry, which is then spent in meeting the
mosque's expenditure, this is an innovative way of resisting a bad tradition.
It is not forbidden for the Muslim committee to do so, but the bridegroom
who receives the dowry can easily refuse payment. The committee will have
no way of enforcing its regulation. The payment of the penalty does not
make dowry in any way more acceptable, from the Islamic point of view.
It remains a burden on the bride's family, which need not be there. Islam
advocates that marriage should be made easy. The dowry system makes it
difficult.
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Marriage
commitment and offering Istikharah
Q). A few years back I proposed
to marry a young lady whom I had known for sometime, and her parents were
agreeable to the marriage, but they preferred to wait until I had finished
my studies and get a job abroad.
However, I started two business concerns
while I was studying, but unfortunately both made heavy losses, and I failed
in my final exam. I was in no position to get married and I told her family
of the facts. Now I have cleared much of my debts and I am thinking again
of marrying her, as we are very much in love. She is prepared to wait for
me. The problem is that my parents have spoken about my marriage with a
relative of mine whom I do not fancy as my wife. I am in a dilemma and
I would be grateful for your advice. Is it appropriate to do the istikharah,
offering two rakahs of voluntary prayer and Weighing the two options on
two pieces of paper and drawing one of them?
M. Irfan,Riyadh
A). My clear advice to you
is to marry that girl as soon as you can. She has been waiting for you
for eight years and she has sacrificed much for your sake. You do not pay
her back by abandoning her after she must have missed many chances of good
marriage in order to be married to you. Besides, you have promised her
that you would do so when she put to you the question in very clear terms.
Muslims do not go back on their promises. You have to honor that promise.
The fact that your parents are planning
your marriage with a relative of your should not be allowed to stand in
your way. You have to inform your parents that you do not wish to marry
that relative of yours. Do this now, when the question of your actual marriage
is not being discussed. If necessary, write to that relative of yours and
tell her that you do not see a chance of the two of you getting married,
as you are engaged to someone else.
Your parents cannot force you to
be married to someone whom you do not wish to marry. You will not be disobedient
or undutiful if you approach the situation in a clear manner. You do not
need to involve the girl you wish to marry at this stage.
Keep her out of the discussion for
the time being so that your parents realize that you are only objecting
to marrying your relative because you do not like her to be your wife.
If you are inviting your parents to do the pilgrimage this year, then you
may wish to take the opportunity of their presence and make it clear to
them that you do not wish to marry your relative and that they should forget
about this for good. Be kind to them when you tell them that.
I do not sea a reason for doing the
istikharah now, as the case should be approached on its merits. Breaking
a promise without a compelling reason is not permissible. You
do not seek God's help to choose to do what He does not permit. Besides,
the isrikhsrah is not done in the manner you have mentioned.
Istikharah means to seek God's help
in choosing between alternatives that are unclear, or that involve results
that cannot be determined. You pray two voluntary rakahs and then say a
supplication seeking God's help in making the right choice. You then let
the matter resolve itself.
If you find within you that you are
happier with a particular choice, you take that. If you find that things
are moving easily in one direction, you let them move and take what comes
easily.
You do not draw one of two papers,
because that is not istikharah. That is drawing lots, which is permissible
but has nothing to do with istikharah.
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Marriage
at an early age
Q). I have a nine year-old
girl who is married to a person at the age of 20. The marriage contract
was made a year ago but the girl is refusing to live with her husband or
even to look at him. In addition to that she requires him to divorce her.
Could you please advise me what to do? Should I separate them or force
my daughter to live with him?
(Name and address withheld)
A). It is certainly possible
for a father to get his daughter married to someone who he thinks is suitable
for her. Whether he should force her into any marriage is something totally
different Let me relate this to you: A woman companion of the Prophet came
to him and said: "My father has married me away to one of his relatives
without asking my opinion. I do not wish to stay with this man as his wife."
The Prophet ordered their separation. When she realized that she was free
and that she was no longer married to the man, she said to the Prophet:
"I now accept what my father has done and I am marrying this man.
I only did this so that women may know that it is not up to men to marry
them away against their wishes."
Scholars have discussed at length
the marriage of a young girl who has not attained puberty and whether her
father may marry her away without her permission. If such a marriage takes
place it is valid. However, it is perhaps best if the marriage is not allowed
to be consummated until the girl attains puberty, when she is given the
choice whether to continue with this marriage or not. Moreover her father
may not marry her away to someone who is of a lesser status than hers.
If he does and she objects, the marriage is not valid. Generally speaking,
however. a girl must be asked to express her opinion in any proposed marriage.
If she has been married before, then her verbal consent should be requested.
If she has not been married previously, then her consent is also to be
requested, but if she keeps quiet, her silence is taken as approval.
To say that the marriage is valid
is not to say that people should go ahead and make such marriages. There
may be certain circumstances, which make it desirable or advisable that
a very young girl should be married away in this manner but this must not
be taken as the normal situation. In marriage, the normal thing is that
people should marry when they are of marriageable age. That does not include
girls of nine or ten years of age, although some girls may attain puberty
that early. Marriage involves certain responsibilities and a very young
girl could not be expected to shoulder these. There are also other problems,
which the may face, as she grows older. If things go wrong with her marriage,
she will always blame her father for having messed up her life, well intentioned
though he may be. If you take the example of your own daughter, and you
force her to go and live with her husband despite her protestations, you
will never be sure whether the marriage will work out well or not. If it
does, then well and good. But there is an equal chance that problems may
arise especially with your daughter behaving like the child she is. While
her husband expects from her the attitude of a married woman. How could
you expect her to overcome the feeling that she has been thrown into this
situation without being allowed the slightest say in the whole matter which
is to affect the rest of her life?
As we see it, your choice is either
to get her divorced now, before the marriage is consummated or to keep
her with you until she has attained puberty and she is in a position to
express her opinion about this marriage. If she still objects to it, then
you divorce her without any compulsion to go through with it. If, on the
other hand, if she approves of this marriage, at that time, then you go
ahead with it. Perhaps it is better for you to consult with the young man
to whom you have already married her. He should be understanding and accommodating.
Between the two of you should work out the best solution which ensures
that he is not lumbered with marriage which is forced on a young girl who
cannot be expected to give an opinion about such a matter.
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Delaying
Marriage
Q). Ever since I came to Saudi
Arabia in 1983 to work, my parents have been urging me to get married.
I have so far resisted their pressure for two reasons: (1) I have no job
security and I am not in a position to support a family on my modest salary.
(2) I do not have a house of my own. My elder brother has taken the whole
of the family house and I envisage that there will be problems if I were
to stay in the same house. I feel that I should have a house of my own,
in which I will live with my parents after getting married. I am 28 and
serious about getting married as early as possible. The above-mentioned
reasons, however, force me to delay marriage. What worries me now is that
my parents are nevertheless insisting that I should not delay it any further.
I will be grateful for your advice.
R. Ahmed, Jeddah
A). Your parents, attitude is quite
understandable. They feel that at 28 you should not delay your marriage
much further. They feel that they are growing older and they want to see
you settled. However, the reasons that you have mentioned for delaying
your marriage must be taken into account. Maybe your parents do not give
due importance to the fact that if you try to settle in the family house
alongside your brother after your marriage, there could he much friction.
They may feel that they could prevail on your brother and his wife to make
you and your wife's presence welcome. That may be over simplistic in the
circumstances you have mentioned. You seem to have a more realistic grasp
of the situation. Therefore, you should make your decision on the basis
of your outlook.
Having said that, I must add that
I am always in favor of early marriage. It is the recommended Islamic practice.
Moreover, it is the normal course of action, which fits with the needs
of human nature. You say that you are 28 and to my mind that is on the
higher side of the appropriate marriage age. But if circumstances make
it necessary to delay marriage, then one should not take a rash decision.
An important factor which you should
take into account is whether you will be able to bring your wife to live
with you here in Saudi Arabia or you will be leaving her to stay with your
family and see her only during vacations. If you are going to bring your
wife here and you think you can keep during vacations only. If you are
going to bring your wife here and you think you can keep your job for a
few years, then I would recommend you to get married without delay. The
fact that you are getting a modest salary should not deter you, if you
deem that it is sufficient to meet your needs when yet are married. The
point is that your marriage may motivate you to get an additional job in
your spare time or work harder in your present job so that you get promoted.
Do not forget that Allah provides for all his creatures, through their
work. When you work for a family, Allah provides you with what He has proportioned
to that family
If, on the other hand, you are going
to leave your wife in your home country and see her only for a month each
year, then in the circumstances, it may be wise to delay your marriage
for the time being. Many problems affect marriage when the husband and
wife live far apart. In the family situation you have described, such problems
are likely if your wife will be staying together with your parents and
your brother's family in the same house, while you are working in Saudi
Arabia. Moreover, you will not get the benefits of marriage, except for
a brief period every year. That is not the proper way to raise a family.
I realize that many people have to do this, but if you do not have to do
it, then it may be better to wait
In this latter case, you should perhaps
set yourself a timetable, which you should explain to your parents. You
have to reassure them that you are serious about getting married but you
want to establish your marriage on solid basis, by having a house of your
own first. Involve them in your project to get a house. If you are planning
to build house, perhaps you may find it appropriate to buy a plot of land
and start the preliminary work. When they feel that something is happening,
they may be reassured. If you are thinking of buying an existing house,
perhaps you can start by looking for a suitable house and negotiating payment
of the price on the basis of a substantial down payment and installments
spread over a period of time. If your parents feel that you are moving
in the right direction, they may be satisfied. If you cannot do either
of these now, you have only to reassure them that you are building for
the future and that you will be getting married at the right time
You may be worried about no compliance
with your parents’ wish. In these circumstances, Islam does not make it
an absolute duty that one does as his parents tell him, when the general
circumstances he finds himself in do not make that wish very wise. Your
intention is not to disobey your parents, but to make your right decision
after careful study. You will not be disobedient if you delay your marriage
in these circumstances but you should comfort your parents and assure them
that you are serious about the whole thing.
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Marriage
and parents' consent
Q). In March 1995, my marriage
was solemnized by my father without my knowledge and against my wishes.
The marriage is still only on paper. I want this marriage to be dissolved
but my husband refuses. I have at present a suitor who wants to marry me.
If I marry my present suitor without my parents' knowledge, would that
be legal from the Islamic point of view?
(Name and address withheld)
A). There are two separate
points in this question. The father’s action and the second is what this
lady intends to do in return. On the first point I would like to say that
the father is wrong in solemnizing his daughter’s marriage without her
consent. A woman said to the Prophet that her father married her to a relative
of his in order to improve his own social standing. He did not ask her
views on this marriage before he did it. The Prophet ruled the marriage
to be dissolved immediately. The woman said: "Now, messenger of God,
I approve of what my father has done. I only wanted that women should know
that men have no say in their matrimonial affairs."
What you should do first of all is
to put the matter to a court of law, seeking the annulment of your marriage.
If you prove that it was a forced marriage, then the court will rule
in your favor and the marriage will be annulled, leaving you in a position
to start a new marital relationship if you so desire.
Whyou must not do on any account
is to "marry" another man or to have any relationship with him
before you terminate the relationship with your present husband, even though
your marriage is only a paper marriage, as you say. If you ignore this
advice you may be guilty of polyandry, which is to be married to more than
one man at the same time. You do not want anything like that to happen.
Moreover, you must not marry anyone
without the knowledge of your parents. Marriage is meant to start a
family, and it is far better for the woman to have her family by her side
when she is about to start a new family. Most scholars agree that the
woman's guardian should act for her on her marriage contract. If her father
is available then he is her guardian. Your father has acted wrongly when
he solemnized your marriage without your knowledge. Do not repay his mistake
with a mistake of your own. Your proper approach is to try to win him over
to your side, and make him see that your happiness is not something to
be trifled with. You have the first say in all that, but he should be on
your side.
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Marriage:
A girl's dilemma in the absence of parental consent
Q). A man from a Gulf country
has proposed to me, but my parents refused on grounds of different cultures,
as we come from Pakistan. He tried to talk to them, but my father refused
to meet him. He only managed to talk to my mother and she refused his proposal.
Is it possible that we get married without their consent?
S. Khan,Riyadh
A). Islam makes it clear that
a girl's father or guardian must act for her marriage. She may not act
for herself, according to most scholars. That is
because Islam views marriage as a union, which establishes a family, so
it must be organized between families. This enhances a girl's position
and protects her rights.
However, in order not to let parents
and guardians’ abuse this authority God has given them, the Prophet enjoins
them to exercise it to the benefit of girls under their supervision. He
says: "If someone whose strength of faith and honesty are satisfactory
comes to you with a proposal of marriage, then give him your daughter in
marriage. Unless you do, much conflict and corruption is likely to be the
result."
The criterion is thus well defined.
People must make their judgement of any marriage proposal to their daughters
or girls under their care in the light of this criterion. It is not right
that class or difference of culture or status should be given paramount
consideration. The basic issue is faith and honesty.
There is no way you can get married
to this gentleman unless your father acts for you, with your consent in
the marriage contract.
If a girl's father is alive and present,
no one else can act as her guardian. A marriage without the presence of
a guardian is not valid. Hence your only way is to persuade your parents
that this marriage is viable and likely to give you the happiness they
undoubtedly want for you. You have to determine how you can achieve that,
but make sure that your approach is not one of confrontation, because confrontation
is likely to produce the wrong result. May be if your suitor makes his
approach a family approach, you stand a better chance of persuading your
parents to accept. That would mean that members of his family come to see
your father, or women from his family come and see your mother first. If
she is convinced then she may be able to persuade your father to moderate
his stance. Whatever you do, make sure of remaining dutiful to your parents.
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Marriages
that are forbidden
Q). Is it permissible to be
married to two sisters at the same rime? There is a case of a person who
is bound to have two sisters as his wives, and he seems to be very religious.
What is the result of his action?
A). It is forbidden for any
man to be married to two sisters at the same time. It is well known that
Islam allows a man to have up to four wives at the same time, but there
are restrictions on marriage, which prohibit certain marriages. Among these
prohibitions we find the marriage to two sisters at the same time. This
prohibition is stated clearly in Verse 23 of Surah 4. The Prophet has added
to this a prohibition on marriage to a woman and her aunt, whether on her
father's or mother’s side, or the reverse situation of being married to
a woman and then to try to marry her niece. Such marriage is not permissible.
However, if one's wife dies, one
may marry her sister or her aunt or niece. It is often the case that such
a marriage is found helpful, particularly when the man has young children
who need to be looked after. Their aunt or another close relative to their
deceased mother may care for them better than any stepmother.
I do not understand your other point
about a person who is bound to be married to two sisters at the same time.
Why is he bound to do something, which God has prohibited? To whom is he
obliged to do such a thing? Anyway, the first of these two sisters whom
he married is his wife, while the other is not. His relationship with her
is not a marriage, even though there is a marriage contract between them.
You say he appears to be religious, but a person who violates God’s law
in this way is not religious, no matter what he appears to be like.
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Mit'ah
Marriage
Q) Is the marriage known as
mit'ah permissible? Could you explain the reasons for the verdict you give.
S. A. Anwar , Al-Khafji
A). No, the mit'ah, which
is a temporary marriage, is not permissible. It is indeed forbidden. The
Prophet has made this clear on his way back from the expedition of Tabuk.
What such an arrangement involves is that a man proposes to marry a woman
for a specified period of time, such as a month or a year or whatever.
She may agree and they also agree on a dower and bring in witnesses.
So, it fulfills all the conditions
of a legal marriage except that the couple agrees in advance to terminate
marriage at a particular time in future. Nevertheless, the introduction
of such a condition invalidates the whole arrangement.
The whole point of introducing conditions
into a marriage contract comes for extensive debate among scholars with
a significant number of leading scholars rejecting any added condition.
But a condition of time limit changes the very nature of marriage from
one, which establishes a family to one, which satisfies a temporary desire.
Hence, it is rejected altogether and the marriage is not recognized.
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Must
wife serve husband?
Q). Is it a must for
a wife to serve her husband by preparing food for him, Washing his clothes,
etc. or is it not a Must?
A). The Islamic scholars say that this issue depends on the customs
and traditions in the community. If the wife serves her husband just like
what her relatives do, then she must serve him. The wives of the Prophet
(pbuh) used to serve him, prepare his food, clean his clothes, etc.
Also the Prophet's daughters and the wives of the Prophet's companions
did the same to their husbands.
If the wife is not accustomed to serve in the house of her own family
but depends on house-maids and domestic servants, like the daughters of
the well-off people, then it is not a must for her to serve her husband,
but it is recommendable.
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The rights of husband and wife
Q). Different problems arise in different marriages, I should
be grateful if you would kindly comment on the rights and duties of a husband
and wife when the following problems arise.
- If the wife is disobedient in both domestic and religious matters.
- If she misuses the money given to her by her husband and gives it to
her relations although they may be rich.
- If she refuses to move to her husband’s home, where he wishes to live
permanently.
- If she passes offensive remarks against her husband, claiming that
she is only joking.
- If she refuses to resign from her employment.
- If she refuses to give their child the name her husband wants to give
him
- Is a husband within his rights to talk to his friends about his wife?
(Name and address withheld)
- Islam views marriage as a relationship,
which brings two persons together in frieand compassion.
Problems and quarrels arise in almost every marriage. Rare indeed is a
marriage, which is free of them. It is when such problems and differences
arise that compassion, consideration and affection are most needed in order
to overcome the difficulty, reconcile the partners and ensure the safety
of the marriage and the family, and above all to safeguard the interests
of the children. It is important, therefore, to make the rights and limits
of each of the two partners absolutely clear in order to reduce the effects
of these problems to the minimum. It is also important that authority in
the family should be well defined. Islam gives that authority to the husband,
on the basis that it is he who earns the money and is required to look
after his wife and children. Islam, however, does not neglect the other
half of the marriage, namely, the wife. It ensures that the wife is treated
with respect and honor and makes it clear that she is entitled to exercise
her rights, which are commensurate with her duties. The prophet says:”
The best among you is the best in his treatment of his household, and I
am the best of you in my treatment of my household” The prophet was not
boasting about his treatment of his wives when he said so. Far is it from
him to boast about anything he does. The prophet said that only because
he is the example Allah expects us to follow. When we know that he has
extended to his wives the best treatment a woman can dream of, then by
following his example, we are practicing our religion, earning reward from
Allah and ensuring our own happiness.
Having said that, I realize that
not all marriages can be happy. Some of them are stormy, and some always
suffer form the incompatibility of the personalities of both partners.
Problems which in the beginning may be small are soon compounded and family
life becomes a continuous misery. In order to solve problems of the type
mentioned in the reader’s letter, it is important to know what are the
rights and the duties of each in every situation. Taking these cases one
by one, let us consider the Islamic answer to them.
- It is the duty of a wife to obey
her husband in all matters which affect the family, provided that his wishes
and what he tells her to do does not contravene any Islamic law or regulation.
Having said that, I should perhaps add that life
in the family should not be treated as life in a military camp,
with orders issued morning and evening and differences of opinion treated
as disobedience leading to mutiny. If the husband, however, expresses a
certain wish or expects something from his wife which he makes clearly
understood, then his wife should endeavor to fulfill that as long as it
does not badly affect her or their family and it does not constitute a
disobedience of Allah. The Prophet says: ”No creature may be obeyed in
what constitutes disobedience to Allah.” If the wife is habitually disobedient
in ordinary matters, her husband should counsel her that her attitude is
bound to leave adverse effects on both of them and their children. The
Qur’an speaks of three different stages of dealing with such disobedience.
Allah states in the Qur’an: As those women whose
rebellion you have reason to fear, admonish them first: then leave them
alone in bed: then beat them(lightly): and if they subsequently pay you
heed, do not seek to harm them. Allah is indeed most high, great. (4:34)
It must be clearly understood that the physical
punishment mentioned in verse is treated as the last resort and it must
not be severe or on the woman’s face. It should be viewed only as a corrective
measure, which is not used except in extreme cases. Admonition and staying
away from bed must be tried first. As for the disobedience in religious
matters, the Qur’an advises us Bid your family
to pray, and be patient with them. This divine
instruction may be carried over so as to include all religious duties.
One has to tell his wife and members of his family to attend to their religious
duties and treat them wisely so as to encourage them to fulfill those duties.
He should explain to them their duties toward Allah, quoting always from
the Qur’anic verse implying clear instruction that he or she should do
something, he is far more likely to comply than when the instruction is
given in the words of human being.
- The prophet makes clear that woman
should not spend her husband’s money without his consent, not even for
charity. This is because it is normally the husband who earns the money.
Hence, he should have the final say in how it is spent. The prophet says:
”No woman may spend something from her husband’s house without his permission.”
The prophet was asked: ”Not even food” He said: that is the best of our
money.” It is, however, permissible for a woman to give away perishable
food if she fears that it will perish if kept, and her family does not
need it. She need not wait for her husband to give his permission in that
particular case. If a woman nevertheless spends some money, which belongs
to her husband for a charitable purpose, he earns the reward for it and
she incurs the blame for spending it without having his consent first.
- If her husband’s home is adequate
for the family and meets all the requirements of a home, then it is her
duty to move to it if her husband asks her to do so. If she does not, she
is considered rebellious and she forfeits her right to financial support
by her husband.
- This attitude cannot be condoned
at all. It is indeed forbidden. The prophet was asked: “who has the greatest
claim over a woman?” He answered: “Her Husband” He was then asked: “who
has the greatest claim over a man?” He answered “His mother.” In view of
this hadith, passing offensive remarks to the person who has the greatest
claim to a woman’s respect and good treatment is the direct opposite of
her duty.
- The normal situation is that the
husband works in order to earn his living and support his family. A woman
is not supposed to work because she does not need to do so. A recent ruling
by an Egyptian court, however, states that if a man marries a woman when
she is employed or having a regular job, and he agrees to her continued
working, then he has no right to prevent her from continuing with her work.
If he, nevertheless, asks her to quit her job and she disobeys, then her
disobedience is not considered rebellion in the technical sense which makes
her forfeit her right to be supported. This ruling is based on the assumption
that her husband's agreement to her work at the time of their marriage
is deemed to be one of the conditions of the marriage. The prophet says:
“Believers, abide by whatever conditions they accept.”
- Ii is the right of the husband to
give his children their names. Here again mutual agreement promotes good
and healthy atmosphere in the family. This should never be an issue of
contention in any family.
- It is not appropriate from the Islamic
point of view to speak to other people about one’s wife.
It is permissible, however to seek advice from people of wise judgement
or to seek good counsel. If it is for that purpose
that one speaks about his wife to others, then he must always remember
that he should not speak ill of her, so that they form a bad opinion of
her. What he says about her should never be tantamount to backbiting her.
He should remember that she also has a right over him to protect her and
to make others hold her in good esteem. He should never say a word of untruth
about her.
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Woman's
responsibilities
Q). Could you explain the
responsibilities of a Muslim woman when her husband is absent or working
abroad.
(Name and address withheld)
A). It seems that the question
is concerned mainly with a long absence, not a short trip lasting a few
days. Such an absence of the husband creates a very difficult situation
for the wife, particularly when cultural traditions dictate certain requirement
which may not be very convenient for her, or she may not be able to cope
with. Hence it is important to know what are her duties and what are her
rights. If she is asked to do more than her duties, it shoube appreciated
that she is being kind and what she is doing should be met with gratitude.
If some of her rights are unavoidably denied her, then again her being
accommodating should be appreciated.
To start with, it is her right that
her husband should not prolong his absence more than four months at a time
without her free and willing agreement. She is
also entitled to have her full expenses provided at regular intervals,
so that she is not left wanting for any thing that is necessary for her
and her children. She should have a suitable accommodation,
according to her husband’s means. If that is in a flat or a house, which
belongs to her husband, she should be provided with suitable care so that
she can call on someone who is trustworthy in cases of emergency. If she
is left with her parents, then that should give her the best sort of care.
Many people consider that such a
wife should stay with her husband's family and give help in household duties.
This is not necessary, but it may be suitable. There is no requirement
that she should stay with her in-laws. If she does, then they must know
that she is not required by Islamic law to do all household duties.
She is expected to help in order
to maintain good relations, and to be kind to her husband's parents, but
she is under no obligation to do so. Hence her kindness should be appreciated
as such, not to be treated as a fulfillment of a duty. She should at all
times be very respectful of her husband's parents and maintain good relations
with his family.
On the other hand, she should protect
her husband’s property and reputation in his absence. There is no need
to speak about her duties of being faithful and of having no relationship
with any man which is unbecoming of a religious and faithful Muslim woman.
That is taken for granted, and it
is a duty of every Muslim woman whether she is staying with her husband
in the same home or he is away, and even if he does not mind her having
such a relationship. She must also look after their children as best as
she can. If she does all that, she is deemed to have carried out her responsibilities
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When
local customs are in conflict with Islamic teachings.
Q) Being a widower, I am trying
to arrange a marriage with a divorcee, after having made sure that she
is willing to look after my children.
My brother has sent me her photograph,
but I feel that I should meet her personally and ask some questions which
I feel to be very important for my children and me. However, her brother
insists that he will not breach the local custom, which allows an authorized
representative of mine to her but not me personally. Could you please explain
what is the religious view?
A). I am afraid local customs
may interfere to make things difficult when Islam wants them simple. Marriage
is a lifetime relationship. Hence, it is very important to make sure that
one is choosing the right partner.
Islam is easy and makes things simple
and easy. The Prophet says: "This religion has been made easy, so
you should approach it in a gentle and easy way. Anyone who approaches
this religion in a hard or violent way will surely be defeated." Indeed
ease and simplicity are the mark of this faith in all facets of life.
In marriage, as Indeed in everything
else, Islam makes things simple. It is people who try to make them difficult.
You speak of a local custom, which
prevents a prospective husband from seeing the woman he wants to marry.
Yet it is acceptable that a representative of that man can see her. It
is a fact that no one can replace the prospective husband himself in forming
an overall opinion of a prospective wife. His relatives may go and see
her, and then give a full account of the meeting, but then he will be looking
at her with their eyes. This is not sufficient.
It is for this reason that the Prophet has advised his companions to look
at their prospective wives before they marry them.
He told one of his companions: "If you can see of her what will persuade
you that she will be a suitable wife for you, then do so." This is
an authentic Hadith and the companion to whom the Prophet said these words
reports that he stood in hiding in some place where he knew she would be
coming. That is because he wanted to see her as she is and judge how she
conducts herself with her friends.
He did not want to see her in a situation
where she would be aware that a suitor is looking at her. In other words,
he wanted to see her without any affectation, makeup or special behavior.
What you want to do is perfectly
legitimate and it is acceptable from the Islamic point of view. Indeed,
it is much more relevant in your case because of the fact that you have
children and you want your future wife to look after them. Hence you need
to make sure that she is of the right type.
What you need to do is to explain
to the woman's brother that you are serious about your proposal, but you
want to make sure that you and his sister are clear about what lies ahead
for both of you. Perhaps it is useful to enlist the support of a scholar
to your community who may tell her brother that this is perfectly acceptable
from the Islamic point of view. May God render your effort a success
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Promises
that cannot be fulfilled
Q). When I got married, my
wife tried to make me feel that my first obligation is toward her. Whatever
she wants should take precedence over what my parents may require. This
has created problems particularly because she wanted to live alone, when
I cannot afford to look after my parents and my wife if we are to use two
separate homes. This has led me to seek work in the Kingdom. As I was about
to leave I promised my parents and my wife to call them for pilgrimage.
However, I cannot afford doing that for all the three at the same time.
Yet when I asked my wife to delay her pilgrimage, she refused. Her father
wrote me a letter of insulting for breaking my promise. I replied in the
same vein, but I have thought of borrowing money in order to pay for my
wife's pilgrimage. Please comment.
(Name and address withheld)
A). First of all I would like
to reassure you that from the Islamic point of view, there is nothing wrong
with what you have done, except perhaps in writing to your father-in law
in the same abusive language he had used with you.
This is certainly wrong on his part,
but to reply in kind is also wrong. Hence, you should have stuck to Islamic
values and refrained from answering him in kind.
You have been trying to discharge
all your responsibilities to the best of your ability. That is all that
Islam requires of anybody. If your efforts fall short of fulfilling your
best expectations, no blame should be attached to you. What you promised
your wife is to invite her to do the pilgrimage. If you cannot do that
this year, then you may fulfill that promise next year. You can try to
compensate for that by obtaining a visitor's visa for her, and that will
be more than adequate, because she will be able to spend longer time with
you.
If that can be extended until the
pilgrimage season, she would get more than she bargained for. To be abusive
when you do that is certainly unacceptable from the Islamic point of view.
My feeling is that your wife has
been trying to get the best deal for herself, thinking little of your other
obligations. In doing so, she has been selfish. I must hasten to say that
I am only saying this on the basis of your story. Therefore, I am not making
a judgment in the matter. A judgment can only be made after hearing both
sides and cross-examining each of them. What I am saying is only made on
the assumption that what you have said is true. When your wife insists
that you get her a separate home and you cannot afford that because you
have to look after your parents also, she is making an unreasonable demand.
She is entitled to be provided with a good standard of living, according
to your means. She cannot simply ignore the fact that your parents need
your help and that your earnings must pay for all your obligations.
What you should do now is to make
your position clear to your wife. You should tell her frankly that you
are not going abandon your parents for her sake in the same way, as you
do not expect her to abandon her parents. You should tell her also that
in the circumstances, she has to tolerate the fact that your income can
only maintain a certain standard of living and she is expected to cooperate
in maintaining that by reducing her demands to what is reasonable. If she
cannot promise that, then you should leave her to stay with her parents
for a while. She may soon get tired of that and become more willing to
reach a compromise. If you maintain your stand showing her that you really
care for her and want her to be with you, but you are only asking her to
be practical and reasonable, then you may soon find her relenting, and
may be her parents would appreciate your stand. You must not be critical
of her parents or use any abusive language either to her or her parents.
You should maintain a proper standard of decency. You should not borrow
money in order to bring her for pilgrimage. God does not require that from
anyone.
You say that you have not had any
communication with her or her family for several months. There is no harm
in taking the initiative and write her a reassuring letter explaining your
position in a reconciliatory way. Alternatively you may try to get some
wise person from her family or a mutual friend to speak for you. You should
explain to such a person that you cannot walk out on any of your responsibilities.
In an Islamic community people appreciate
a person who takes care of his elderly parents. You should not despair,
but you should act wisely. May God guide you to the best way, which ensures
the happiness of your family.
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To
get married to an outsider
Q) I have been attracted to
a girl for a very long time and we both agree that we should get married.
However, the problem is that although she is a Muslim, she is West Indian
whereas my family is in Pakistan. My family will not even consider the
possibility of marriage. Should I ignore them and go ahead with the marriage,
or pander to their prejudices and look for someone else?
A) It is not an Islamic problem.
There is no racial barrier to marriage in Islam. The point is that the
person concerned does not need the consent of his parents. If he is well
established and able to look after himself and the girl, he can get married.
We are no longer living in a static society, and strict family bonds may
no longer be relevant in the new situation. However, the questioner sounds
a little hesitant and appears not to have the moral courage to break with
the wishes of his family.
Love between the couple at the moment
may be very strong, but he must also consider that later on his marriage
may affect his integration into the Muslim community. After one or two
years when the initial attraction has worn off, will he still be able to
protect his wife and children in the face of a hostile environment?
Once there is love. This is what
is important from the Islamic point of view. But it is also a question
with wider implications, which should not be overlooked. All eventualities
should be discussed and carefully thought out.
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Marriage
away from home
Q). My friend and I are planning
to get married. There is trouble between our two countries, which makes
it difficult for us to travel to my home country for marriage. Is it possible
for us to get married here in the Kingdom without the presence of my father?
S.A. Abdullah, Riyadh
A). You do not have to travel
to another place in order to get married if any circumstances make such
a travel inconvenient. In this day and age when communications are so easy,
it is not difficult to make sure of meeting any formality that a legal
arrangement requires. However, the best arrangement for your marriage is
the presence of your father when the marriage contract is made. If there
is no difficulty to prevent his travel, then you may invite him to come
over for a visit or an Umrah when you also arrange for your marriage contract
to be made. If that is difficult, then he may appoint someone here in the
Kingdom to act as your guardian for the purpose of making your marriage
contract. But if there is difficulty in doing that, such as your father
being incapable of undertaking normal tasks, or your having no real guardian,
and there is no relative here who may act in such a capacity, then someone
of good standing in the community may be appointed as your guardian. The
guardian, whoever he is, should make sure that the marriage is a suitable
one and that there is no impediment to it from any angle, particularly
the Islamic legal angle. He then may proceed to do the contract with your
consent.
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Second
Marriage
Q) Although my father promised
not to get married again after our mother's death, he took a new wife within
six months. Is this appropriate?
M.M.A. USA
A). You should not take your
father's declaration that he would not marry again as a promise. You should
appreciate that it was a declaration made at a moment of extreme grief
at the loss of his wife and the mother of his children. He must have judged
after the initial sadness at his bereavement that it was better for the
family that he should get married. Of course that is his right and privilege.
No one could deny him that. He is not breaking a promise by doing so. He
is taking only an enlightened decision as he determines his own needs and
the needs of his family.
It is wrong that he should ask you
and your brothers and sisters to call his new wife 'mother.' Maybe this
is customary in the place where he comes from, but this is not right from
the Islamic point of view.
There are two important reasons why
it is wrong. The first is that it is not true. She is not your mother and
you should not call her that. The second reason is that it forces on you
the thought that another woman could be in the same position to you as
your mother. As such, it offends your memory of your late mother without
endearing his wife to you at all. Indeed the reverse is true, you will
continue to reject the very thought of having a replacement for your mother,
as it was.
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Unfaithful
wife
Q). If a woman is unfaithful
to her husband, can she be punished under Islamic law?
U. Sbeikh, Riyadh
A). Punishment for
unfaithfulness depends on the extent of her error. If we are speaking here
of adultery, then the offense should first be established in accordance
with Islamic law. In this case, such a proof is established only by one
of two methods: A voluntary confession by the person concerned. The confession
has to be clear, given voluntarily and leaving no room for doubt whether
the offense has been committed or not. Moreover, the confession can be
withdrawn at any time, even during the affliction of the prescribed punishment.
Such withdrawal is accepted without question, and the punishment is stopped
immediately. Islam does not encourage offenders to make such a confession.
Indeed it encourages that people should keep their offenses a secret between
God and themselves, requesting God for forgiveness.
The other method of establishing guilt is the testimony of four men
who are known to be honest They must testify under oath that they themselves
have seen the offense being committed. They must not rely on hearsay or
on seeing something less than the actual intercourse. If four witnesses
testify that they have seen that, then the punishment must be enforced.
Short of that or a confession no punishment is applicable in Islamic law.
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Getting married to someone who is far
away
Q). Is it possible to have a marriage contract made through the
telephone?
M. Irfan, jeddah
A). I think there is a practical
difficulty in arranging a marriage contract on the telephone. For a marriage
contract to be made, the two parties must be present, with the woman's
father or guardian and two witnesses. In modern societies, there must also
be a registrar from the authority concerned with family matters. How are
these people to have a telephone conversation, with all of them listening
to both parties at the same time is difficult to imagine.
Besides, all of them must he sthat
the party on the other end of the line, i.e. the one they do not see, is
the person concerned with the marriage. It is often the case that brothers
or sisters may have very similar voices, which sound the same on the telephone.
Suppose that the bride has a sister
with a similar voice, how is the registrar and the witnesses to know that
the one speaking to them on the phone is the bride, not her sister?
Besides, why go to all this trouble,
with the possibility of mistakes in identity being there? There is a much
easier method to get married to someone who is far away.
The bridegroom may give power of
attorney to someone in the town or village where the bride lives, giving
him clear instructions to make the marriage contract on his behalf. He
specifies all the details he wishes his attorney to observe.
The attorney agrees the details with
the bride and her family, and arrangements are made to have the marriage
contract done and registered in accordance with the requirements of the
law.
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Martial
Relations in periods
Q). Is there any risk in having
marital relations with one's wife when she is in her period?
(Name and address withheld)
A). The major risk is that
it constitutes disobedience to God who has ordered us not to do that. The
instruction is found in Verse 222 of Surah 2 which states: "Stay away
from women during their period and do not come unto them until they are
cleansed.
When they have cleansed themselves,
you may come unto them as God has made it lawful."
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Marrying
sister of former wife
Q). A court has nullified
my marriage after my wife had applied for khula. I refused to accept the
money she sent me after that. Now I have received a letter from my former
mother-in-law suggesting that I may propose to her elder daughter, and
that the family does not need any dower from me. Will such a marriage be
valid, and would the ruling be affected if my previous marriage was consummated
or not?
A.M.S.Jeddah
A). The consummation of your
marriage does not affect your status toward the family of your former Wife.
The dissolution of your marriage is complete. It was done at your wife's
request for khula. Your situation is the same as the one who has divorced
his wife. When the divorce is complete he may marry his former wife's sister,
if the two parties agree to this marriage.
In your case, the family of your
former wife have expressed their willingness that you marry their other
daughter. As such, there is nothing to stop you from marrying her if that
is agreeable to you.
Having said that, I would like to
pause a little at the family’s suggestion that you do not have to pay any
dower. It may be that the family has appreciated your attitude when you
refused to take the refund of your dower. Perhaps the family felt that
you have taken the whole question with a broad mind, Hence their suggestion.
However, it is not for the family
to make such a suggestion. It is the girl's right to have a dower at the
time of her marriage. She may ask what she likes, and if you accept, then
that is payable in full as it may be agreed between the two of you. No
one may pressure her into forgoing her right to a dower, but if she herself
accepts a nominal dower, or if she forgoes part or all of it after it is
agreed, you may take it if you so wish. Or it may be that after you returned
the dower, which is your right to have back since your marriage was terminated
at your wife's appeal for khula, the family felt that it was sufficient
as a dower for their other daughter whom they are making proposal to you
to marry. If so, then you should tell them that the two couldn’t be set
off against each other. You may claim the first dower back and pay your
new wife, if you decide to marry her, a fresh dower the amount of which
you may agree together.
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Marriage
between kin
Q). What does Shariah say
regarding the marriage between kin? Is there any Hadith or tradition preventing
marriage between kin, such as the uncle's daughter, because we know that
medical scientists do not advise such marriage?
(Name withheld), Jeddah
A). The women who are prohibited
for marriage are mentioned in the Holy Qur'anic verse: "Prohibited
to you (for marriage) are: Your mothers, daughters, sisters, father's sisters,
mother's sisters, brother's daughters, sister's daughters foster-mothers
(who gave you suck), foster-sisters, your wives' mothers, your step-daughters
under your guardianship, born of your wives to whom you have gone in -
No prohibition if you have not gone in - (those who have been), wives of
your sons proceeding from your loins and two sisters in wedlock at one
and the same time, except for what is past. Also (prohibited are) women
already married, except those whom your right hands possess." Other
women are permissible and one can marry his uncle's daughter.
However, it is reprehensible so as
to safeguard the health of the children. It has been narrated that Caliph
Omar Bin Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) saw an Arabian tribe called
Banu Al-Sayeb whose bodies were very weak and emaciated because they used
to marry their kins. Caliph Omar told them to marry strangers.
Muslim jurists also say that if the
marriage of one's kin ends up in divorce, this may severe the relations
between kin which is forbidden in Islam.
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Marriage
of close relatives
Q). You stated in a recent
answer that the marriage of first cousins is acceptable in Islam, but you
failed to mention that it is not really desirable, while the Prophet has
spoken strongly discouraging it. There is plenty of medical evidence that
the marriage of close relatives may cause many problems. I hope you will
quote a Hadith, which encourages marrying non-relatives.
Gent (Mrs.), Jeddah
A). There is much inaccuracy
in what is normally said about the marriage of cousins. I have recently
asked a medical specialist of considerable repute about it, and he tells
me that there is little medical evidence to justify the popular notion
that the children of cousins are weaker physically or susceptible to more
illness. Nor had the Prophet spoken strongly against it. Indeed his action
in marrying his daughter, Fatimah, to his cousin, Ali, belies such a statement.
What the Prophet says in this regard is his advice to marry outside one's
own tribe, and to marry his children outside his and his wife's tribes.
But this Hadith is meant in a different vein. It provides a way to break
the tribal barriers through marriage. When people frequently marry outside
their immediate tribes, then the frequent marriages will bring tribes closer
and encourage cordial relations within a Muslim society. By the way! the
expert I have talked to about this subject has suggested that the disadvantages
of marriage to close relatives are counterbalanced by real advantages.
He insists that there is plenty to recommend such marriages, provided that
inter-family marriages do not continue for several generations.
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Marriage
with first cousins: rulings without basis
Q). During my visit to India,
I met a scholar who says that marriage with first cousins is not allowed
in Islam, and that a special concession was given only to the prophet.
He quotes Verse 50 of surah 33, "Al Ahzab", in support of his
claim. If this were true, it makes millions of marriages illegal and millions
of children illegitimate. Please explain.
M.A.Khan, Buraidha
A). It is strange that this
person, whom you describe as a scholar, cites in support of his view a
verse which starts with the following words: "Prophet, we have made
lawful to you ..." This is to say that the verse is concerned with
permission, not prohibition. I would have thought that his view, which
tries to restrict certain marriages, should seek in evidence a verse, which
outlines prohibition of certain marriages. It is well known that prohibited
marriages are outlined in detail in Verses 22, 23 and 24 of Surah 4, entitled
"Women", or "An Nisaa ". The first of these verses
starts with a clear order: "Do not marry women whom your fathers had
married...The second begins with a simiclear prohibition: Forbidden to
you in marriage are your mothers, daughters, etc. When the list is complete,
the third of these verse states: And lawful to you are all women beyond
these, for you to seek out, offering them of your possessions, taking them
in honest wedlock, and not in fornication, etc." Moreover, such marriages
are lawful according to the practice of the Prophet who married his own
daughter, Fatimah, to his cousin, Ali. Had there been any restriction on
the marriage of cousins, the Prophet would not have allowed such a marriage
to go through. Your "scholar" is, therefore, out on a limb when
he makes such a claim.
Now let us look at the verse he quotes
in support of his argument. Its meaning may be given in translation as
follows: Prophet! We have made lawful to you your wives to whom you have
paid their dowers, as well as those whom your right hand has come to possess
from among the captives of war whom Allah has bestowed upon you. And We
have made lawful to you the daughters of your paternal uncles and aunts,
and the daughters of your maternal uncles and aunts, who have migrated
with you (to Madinah); and any believing woman who offers herself freely
to the Prophet and whom the Prophet might be willing to wed: this being
but a privilege for you, and not for other believers. We have already made
known what We have enjoined upon them with regard to their wives and those
whom their right hands may possess.
This verse is certainly meant to
outline to the Prophet certain privileges. It may not be construed. However,
as restricting to other Muslims what Allah has made lawful to the Prophet
except in the case where He specifies so. It is significant that the verse
tells the Prophet that his wives have been made lawful to him. This is
not a superfluous statement, because Allah does not use any superfluous
words. This is simply a reminder to the Prophet of the grace Allah has
shown him. As for his cousins, the Prophet was allowed only those of his
cousins who migrated with him to Madinah. It is reported that he could
not marry Umm Hani a cousin of his who had not migrated to Madinah.
The verse certainly includes a special
privilege given to the prophet and not given to any other believer. But
this privilege is restricted to one case, namely, that of a woman who may
offer herself freely to the prophet. He may marry her without the need
to give her a dower. It should be said that several women made such an
offer to the prophet, but he married none of them. Some of them he recommended
to some of his companions, and such marriages went through in the normal
way, with the prophet asking the prospective husband to pay a dower to
the woman he is marrying and with a marriage contract made in the normal
Islamic way.
When we say that this is a privilege
to the prophet only, we mean that it is not permissible for a Muslim woman
to offer herself freely to any man. Such a restriction is operative in
order not to allow any abuse of the marriage system. If a woman makes such
an offer to a believer, she does not become his wife unless a marriage
contract is made between them in the presence of her father or guardian
and at least two witnesses, and a dower is specified to be paid by the
man to her.
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Unacceptable
marriage offer
Q). I have had a relationship
with a non-Muslim girl, but when I proposed marriage to her, her parents
refused on account of my religion. She agreed with them. Am I in a position
of deception?
(Name and address withheld)
A). I am surprised that you
are more worried about a breach of a promise than an illegitimate relationship
involving a cardinal sin. You should be more concerned about what you did
with this woman in the past and regret it genuinely so that you may stand
a chance of being forgiven by God. Now that you have a chance of a final
break with her, you should revise your attitude and determine to improve
your adherence to Islamic moral values. If you do not, then you may very
well expose yourself to God's punishment which is severe indeed.
As far as your relationship with
that woman is concerned, you have offered to marry her, but she and her
family have refused. That means that you have done the honorable thing
and shown your willingness to look after her. However, they have declined
the offer, and you should be glad. She is not the sort of mother you want
for your children.
She is neither a Muslim nor keen
on morality. So you should take this opportunity and mend your ways before
seeking to marry a chaste, religious Muslim woman who may be a good mother.
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Validity
of Marriage
Q). Some people question the
validity of the marriage of a friend of mine to a divorced woman. Her brother
filled the official forms of marriage, signing himself as her eldest brother
and guardian (because her father is dead) and his signature was entered
in the official books as a witness. A non-Muslim friend signed as the second
witness. Both the bride and the bridegroom signed acceptance. Is this marriage
valid?
N.A.Razvi, Jeddah.
A) Some scholars are of the
view that non-Muslims may not be called as witnesses of transactions between
Muslims.
They consider that to be a witness
exercise some aspects of patronage and it is not permissible that patronage
over a Muslim be exercised by a non-Muslim. However, other scholars disagree,
stating that being a witness means no exercise of patronage whatsoever.
Hence, a non-Muslim may be a witness to any transaction between Muslims.
This is probably a more accurate view.
The requirements for a marriage contract
to be valid from the Islamic point of view is that it should be made in
the presence of the bride's guardian and two witnesses. These two witnesses
are the minimum needed for proper publicity. In this case, the guardian
is present, because the woman's guardian is her eldest brother, since her
father is dead. That he signed his name in the space provided for the first
witness is neither here nor there, provided that there were two witnesses.
These were indeed present, because one of them signed the form and the
other is the officer in the Registrar's Office who received the form. It
is not necessary from the Islamic point of view that witnesses should sign
any form or contract, or indeed that the contract should be written. All
that can be done verbally. The fact that the marriage contract was conducted
in front of two people or more is sufficient for it to be valid. If there
were none other than the officer in the Registrar's Office, the contract
would still have been valid.
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A
marriage that is against Islamic teachings
Q). I understand that I am
a Christian, I cannot marry my Muslim fiancée unless I become a
Muslim, while a Muslim man may marry a Christian woman who is allowed to
retain her faith. May I know the reason behind this? There are several
reasons, which prevent me from embracing Islam, yet I wish to marry this
lady whom I have been supporting when she was studying. What happens if
I require my fiancée to convert to Christianity? On the other hand,
what is the likely solution if we get a civil marriage? May I further ask
whether I can consider the money I have paid for her studies as her dower?
(Name and address withheld)
A). It is true that a Muslim
woman may not marry a follower of any religion other than Islam. A Muslim
man may marry Christian or a Jewish woman. The reason for the difference
in the rules is two-fold.
Islam recognizes that it has a common
area with the other two religions, and it requires its followers to respect
the beliefs of other religions, Hence, if a Muslim man marries a Christian
or a Jewish woman, he may not put her under any pressure to convert to
Islam. Indeed he should allow her freedom of worship and respect her religious
observances. It is not guaranteed that followers of other religions would
do the same if they marry Muslim women. There are other considerations
relating to the status of the children and the perceived weakness of women
in many cultures and societies.
You are certainly entitled to maintain
your faith, but you may not insist on a chaof Islamic rules to fulfill
your purpose. The Islamic rules make your marriage to a Muslim woman impossible
unless you become a Muslim. This must be a genuine
conversion to Islam, not a mere pretension to satisfy certain formalities.
If you want to contravene these rules, your marriage is not valid. Of course
you can arrange for a civil marriage, and the civil law in your country
may sanction such a marriage, but your "wife" would not be lawfully
wedded to you from the Islamic point of view. If the woman in question
converts to Christianity, she is considered an apostate. The Church may
sanction the marriage, but she would remain an apostate. Her family is
highly likely to disown her completely in either of these situations.
If you marry her legally, which means
that you become a Muslim, you should know that Islamic marriage requires
the presence of her father or guardian, two witnesses and the payment of
a dower. The contract itself consists of a commitment and acceptance. The
dower must be something that brings the woman a certain benefit. Your support
of her studies may be offset against the marriage if that support was in
the form of a loan. If it was a gift, no Muslim
is allowed to claim back a gift he had given.
However a dower need not be any large amount. You may agree with your future
wife to give her one riyal as a dower. If this is acceptable to her, well
and good.
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A
marriage that is questionable
Q). My sister-in-law, who
is also my maternal cousin is married to a man working abroad. All of a
sudden we heard that she got married to my nephew without having been divorced
by her husband and without the knowledge of their parents or relatives.
Is this marriage valid?
S.R. Ali, Madinah
A).We have to separate two
issues involved here: The relationship between the two persons concerned
and its effect on their marriage, and the circumstances in which they got
married. To start with, your nephew may marry your wife's niece who is
also his cousin. As I understand, she is a more distant relative of his
than your wife is related to you. Her father is the maternal uncle of his
mother. So there is nothing wrong with this marriage if the two partners
were free to get married and the marriage is done in accordance with the
appropriate Islamic rules. However, you say that the woman is already married
to someone else who is working abroad. If so, how can she get married again
without a divorce-taking place first? It may be that the woman could have
applied to a court of law for dissolution of her marriage to her first
husband. If she has done that and got dissolution from court on the basis
of her husband being away for a very long time, then we hope that the basis
of the dissolution has the backing of some school of thought. I cannot
tell you that without more detailed information about the case. If no dissolution
had been ordered by a court and no divorce had taken place, then that woman
is still married to her first husband who is working abroad. Her relationship
with the other man, who is her cousin, is adulterous. She must stop it
immediately.
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Marriage
to a non Muslim
Q). My friend wants to marry
a Hindu girl who says that she would convert to Islam after the marriage.
Can he do that?
(Name and address witfiheld)
A). If your friend wants his
marriage to be valid, his intended wife must adopt Islam before the marriage
contract is done. Otherwise the marriage cannot go through. It is not possible
for a Muslim to get married to a woman who follows any religion other than
Islam, Christianity or Judaism. Since this woman does not follow any of
these religions, her marriage to your friend is not valid. If she adopts
Islam first, she is no longer a Hindu. She will then be a Muslim and as
such, there will be no hindrance to prevent her marriage to your friend.
As for the second part of your question
it is not true that consummation of the marriage must take place on the
first night, I am surprised that some people would suggest that this is
an Islamic requirement for the validity of the marriage. There is no such
requirement.
Having said that, I may add that
it is better for the bride and her family that the marriage should be consummated
as soon as possible after the wedding. But this is a matter of preference,
not a duty.
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Privacy
in martial life
Q). A man who has two wives
lives in a one-bedroom flat, and as such he and his two wives are forced
to share the same bedroom. He has been advised to move to a larger house
or make different arrangements so that the three do not use the same bedroom.
He feels that this is not necessary because the three of them get on well
together and there seems to he no need for separation. Please comment.
(Name and address withheld)
A). It is certainly bad to
sleep with the two wives in the same room, because there is a special intimacy
between a man and his wife, which they would rather keep to themselves.
When such intimacy is exposed to another person, although she may stand
in the same position to the man as his other wife, the element of modesty,
which is a virtue in the Islamic sense of values, is lost. It is far more
preferable that this person should change the arrangement in his home so
that his two wives use separate bedrooms. If his home is too small for
that, he may convert the sitting room at night to a bedroom for one of
them. That is much better for everybody concerned.
Having said that, I wish to add that
if there is no possibility whatsoever of the man being able to provide
such an arrangement for his two wives, and he can only afford to have only
one room, then he must observe a strict code of conduct in his martial
relationship with his two wives.
Of course he must always treat his
wives fairly, giving each the same standard of living as the other. It
is acceptable that he cannot do much about that because feelings are not
always within our control, but fairness is required in everything a person
can control and determine.
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A
marriage that can never be
Q). A friend of mine has been
involved with young man who is a Hindu. She has not been able to resist
her feelings despite her repeated attempts to do so. I have tried to persuade
her to end this relationship, but despite all efforts their relationship
is getting stronger. She is a good believer in Islam, and she has told
me repeatedly that even if she marries him, she would never change her
religion. Please advise.
(Name and address withheld)
A). Has this friend of yours
ever asked herself whether the young man in her life really cares for her?
How serious is he about their relationship? Does he think of her half as
much as she thinks of him? Reading your letter, I feel that the answer
to all these questions is in the negative. What is happening in her case
is that she is placing herself at his feet and he is looking at her with
contempt. Why should he not do so when she is defying her family, society
and her faith for his sake?
It may be that your friend has not
received an elementary religious education. Nevertheless, she should have
known that it is not possible for a Muslim woman to marry any man who is
not a Muslim, it is not enough that she says that she would never change
her religion even if she gets married to him. Such a marriage can never
be. It may be that she can get the marriage legally recognized in a European
country or in India, or in a non-Muslim country. But that "legality"
does not make the marriage lawful. It is not open for any authority to
change God's law. Nor is it possible for any authority to make lawful what
God Himself has forbidden. God simply does not accept that a Muslim woman
could marry a non-Muslim regardless of the religion he follows. So, if
she wants to get married to him she has to look for some other way to make
such a marriage lawful.
That other way is for the man to
adopt Islam and for the change of religion to be recognized as serious,
based on conviction, not merely on the desire to get married to a Muslim
woman? When such a change occurs this friend of yours may get married to
her man, if her famiapprove of this marriage.
That is because in Islam, it is the
girl's father or guardian who acts for her at the time when her marriage
contract is made. Whether the man is willing to adopt Islam or not is entirely
up to him. However, from what you have told me, I think he is hardly likely
to do so. It may be that he looks at his relationship with your friend
as a flirting matter. When the going becomes serious and he is called upon
to change religion, he is likely to cry off.
Perhaps the best thing your friend
could do is to put him to the test. She should explain to him that their
relationship could only be solemnized into a proper marriage if he is willing
to accept Islam. She should also suggest to him that the two of them should
start reading about Islam, trying to understand its basic beliefs, concepts
and values. When they have acquired sufficient knowledge of the Islamic
faith, he should make up his mind whether he believes in Islam as the final
message from God to mankind. If the answer is in the affirmative, then
he should declare himself a Muslim by stating that he believes in no deity
save God and he believes in Muhammad as God's final messenger to mankind.
Only when this has taken place can
the marriage between your friend and her man is valid.
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Inter
faith marriages
Q). May I ask whether Christianity
and Judaism are the only religions with which inter faith marriage is allowed
in Islam. In India there are many religions, and because of the proximity,
many young Muslims find it sometimes suitable to marry women who may belong
to these faiths. They arrange that the girl convert to Islam for the marriage.
It is often the case that the girl does not know anything about Islam,
and she only converts nominally to get married. Is this allowed? Is the
marriage valid?
H. Masthan, Jeddah
A). It is permissible for
a Muslim man to marry a Christian or a Jewish woman without the need for
the woman to convert to Islam at any time. Although this is permissible,
it is not to be encouraged because interfaith marriages are likely to run
into problems. A Muslim woman may not marry anyone other than a Muslim.
As for other religions, it is not permissible for a Muslim man or woman
to marry their followers. This applies to all religions of the Indian subcontinent.
If a follower of such religion wants
to marry a Muslim, he or she must become a Muslim first. I understand that
this condition is what causes women who get to know Muslim men and want
to many them to convert to Islam. They may think that conversion to Islam
is easy since it involves only the declaration that one believes m the
Oneness of God and that Muhammad is His messenger. They utter this declaration
without even thinking about its meaning. Such an action is not a conversion
to Islam. It is mere expedient. It does not make the woman did not concern
a Muslim nor does it make her a lawfully married wife to a Muslim. She
needs to understand Islam and its principles. If she is convinced that
it is the religion of the truth, and she declares her belief in it she
is a Muslim. In this case, she may be married to a Muslim. If she merely
utters the declaration without conviction, she is technically a Muslim,
and we must accept her word. But that does not make her a Muslim in God's
sight. Her husband should know her real attitude and determine his position
accordingly.
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Converting
ones non Muslim wife
Q). Muslims are allowed to
marry Christian or Jewish women. Is the woman so married to be converted
to Islam before or after her marriage? If this permission is granted on
the basis of Christianity and Judaism being religions preached by messengers
from Allah, is the permission still valid, despite the fact that Christians
now believe in the Trinity?
A). I should admit that I
find the question about converting a woman because of her marriage rather
strange. It is contradictory to Islamic values and principles. Islam states
very clearly that "no compulsion is admissible in matters of faith."
How then, can anyone contemplate that a woman must be converted to Islam
in order for her marriage to be legal. Such a requirement is not acceptable.
Islam either permits a marriage or forbids it. If it approves of a Muslim
marrying a Christian woman, then it stands to reason that it allows that
woman to retain her faith. Indeed, the husband should not pressure his
wife in any way to accept Islam. What he should do is to make Islam known
to her and to tell her that Islam is the final message from Allah to man,
therefore, people are called upon to accept it. She must retain her freedom
whether to do so or to maintain her faith. If she decides to remain Christian
or Jewish, the marriage can continue, with the husband being required to
allow his wife to practice her religion. The children are, by necessity,
Muslims, since the Islamic rule is that children follow the higher of their
parents' religions. Since Islam is the highest of all religions, then they
are Muslims.
The point about the doctrine of the
Trinity as practiced by Christians and the permission to marry a Christian
woman is frequently raised. Some people suggest that since Christians have
come to believe in the Trinity, they are no longer believers in the Oneness
of Allah. Therefore, they cannot be classified as "people of the Book",
or, as perhaps more accurately translated, "people of earlier revelations."
l am afraid that this is not quite correct. The doctrine of Trinity was
introduced into Christianity long before the advent of Islam.
At the time when the Qur'an was revealed,
Christians had the same beliefs as they have today. The doctrine of the
Trinity was already introduced and practiced. To us, it represents a distortion
of Christianity and its fundamental principles. However, the doctrine is
mentioned in the Our'an and Allah describes those who say that He is one
of a Trinity are "unbelievers.'' Nevertheless, He calls them as "Ahl-Kitab",
or "People of earlier revelations.'' Since the permission to marry
Christian women has come subsequently to the introduction of the doctrine
of Trinity in Christianity, then that permission remains in force. Once
again, no coercion or pressure should be exercised to make a Christian
wife adopt Islam. If she adopts it, she must do so by her own free will.
We have already established that
it is permissible for a Muslim man to marry a Christian woman or a Jewess.
The question remains whether it is advisable. It may happen that a certain
thing is permitted so as to serve as a last resort, or as a sound solution
to a particular problem. It does not follow that it is to be treated as
recommended or desirable. In this particular case, inter-faith marriages
are permitted within certain limits to help solve problems, which may be
encountered by individual Muslims. An inter-faith marriage cannot be treated
on the same footing as a marriage between a Muslim man and a Muslim woman.
Let us take the following example from the time of the first generation
of Muslims, i.e. the companions of the Prophet. Huthaifah ibn Al Yaman
was one of the commanders Umar ibn Al Khatab sent to Persia. Subsequently,
Umar learned that Huthaifah had married a Jewish woman. He wrote to him
asking him to divorce her. Huthaifah wrote back saying that he would not
comply with Umar's request unless Umar stated first whether his marriage
was permissible or not. Umar wrote to him that it was permissible. However,
he supported his request to Huthaifah to divorce his Jewish wife by two
arguments: that if Muslims married non-Muslims, who would marry Muslim
women? In this connection, we should remember that a Muslim woman could
only marry a Muslim. The other reason expressed by Umar was that foreign
women had an element of attraction, which may lure Muslims away. Huthaifah
found both arguments sound and he divorced his wife. Both arguments are
still sound today. Indeed more so. The companions of the Prophet were better
believers than we are and yet Umar expressed his misgivings about interfaith
marriages, by as a distinguished figure of them as Huthaifah, an Ansari
who could be trusted witthe command of a large Muslim army.
One more point needs to be added
in this connection. If a Muslim who is living in a non-Muslim country marries
a local Christian woman, then he places himself under very great pressure.
His wife will be living among her people and within her own cultural background.
She finds no reason to modify her social behavior in order to be more accommodating
to Islamic principles.
In fact, all the compromises that
will inevitably be necessary will have to be made by her husband, who is
an outsider coming into her society. The case is different if she is to
travel to his home country. It is she who finds herself in a position of
having to make compromises in order to adjust to her new environment. All
this is of great importance
The best way is not to have an inter-faith
marriage, unless one has no choice. To marry a Muslim woman is by far better
than marrying any Christian or Jewish woman.
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Invalid
Marriage
Q). A Muslim man or woman
gets married to a follower of a pagan religion, with the condition that
each of the two partners shall follow his or her own religion. Do such
people remain Muslim? Is it permissible for the Muslim community to maintain
cultural and matrimonial relationships with their offspring? Is either
of them allowed to enter the Haram in Makkah or the prophet's Mosque in
Madinah?
A.H.Alnoori, Makkah.
A). We are speaking here of
a marriage between a Muslim and a person who believes in a religion which
speaks of the existence of more than one God. The reader has spoken of
idol worshipers but I phrased the question so that it is more general in
its import. A marriage between a Muslim and a follower of any such religion
is invalid. There is a clear instruction in the Qur'an which tells Muslim
men not to marry pagan women and tells Muslim women not to marry pagan
men. Marriage with a slave is described in Verse 221 of Surah 2 as better
than such a marriage, provided that the slave man or woman is a believer
in God.
It is then established clearly that
such a marriage is not valid. A relationship between a man or a woman who
claims to be a Muslim and a partner, who worships idols or follows a pagan
religion, believing in more than one God, is adulterous. It cannot be legitimized
unless the pagan partner declares that he or she believes in Islam, and
then the marriage between the two is made in accordance with Islamic rules.
Although this is a major offense
and a cardinal sin, the perpetrator of such a marriage is not considered
to be a nonbeliever. He or she remains a Muslim if they declare themselves
to be so. How can they do that and explain their marital situation is beyond
my comprehension, but the technical verdict is that they remain Muslims.
The Muslim community should indeed
maintain a good relationship with the offspring of such a marriage in order
to get those children to realize where they belong. The general rule is
that the offspring of an inter-faith marriage, or relationship in this
case are deemed to follow the higher religion of their parents. Islam is
the highest of all religions in such a ranking order, followed by Christianity
and Judaism. Moreover, the Muslim community has an interest in such offspring.
They should try to teach them about Islam to enable them to choose their
position when they become adults.
No one can stop such people from
visiting the two mosques in Makkah and Madinah as long as they declare
themselves Muslims. It may be that such a Visit will trigger in their minds
a review of their Situation and may lead to the mending of their ways.
The Muslim community should continue to tell them how serious their offense
is and try to get them to bring their action in line with Islam.
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Is
this marriage Valid?
Q). My friend's father has
two wives. His first wife's brother got married to the daughter of his
second wife. This couple got a daughter who got married to the son of the
first wife of my friend’s father.
The village committee, which wields
power in our district, maintains that this last marriage is not valid from
the Islamic point of view and the couple have been chased away from their
village. They also say that the children of this marriage should be murdered.
Other people suggest that this marriage is valid. Could you please comment?
A.Bukhari, Al-khobar.
A). You have omitted to mention
one piece of information, which makes all the difference with regard to
the validity of the last marriage. In the two marriages which branched
out of the family of your friend's father, one party to the first marriage
is the daughter of his second wife and in the second marriage the son of
his first wife. To make the answer simple, I say that if either of these
two had a father other than your friend's father, then the second marriage,
i.e. the one in dispute, is valid. Since both are children of your friend's
father's two wives (the woman is the daughter of his second wife and the
man the son of his first wife), then if your friend's father is also their
own father they are brother and sister. The marriage of a man to his sister's
daughter is forbidden in Islam. But I suspect that at least one of them,
if not both, had a father other than your friend's father. That appears
to be the case from the way you have phrased your question. If this is
the case, then the last marriage is perfectly valid. I will explain why.
What we are talking about here is
a marriage between the son of the first wife and the granddaughter of the
second wife. If the man, or the bridegroom, is born to his mother by an
earlier marriage, then he is not related at all to his wife despite his
mother's marriage to your friend's father. She is certainly his cousin,
since her father is his maternal uncle. Marriage between cousins is allowed
in Islam.
Similarly, if the second wife's daughter
had a father other than your friend's father, then her daughter, who is
involved in the disputed marriage, is not related to her husband through
the marriages of your friend's father. As has already been said, she is
her husband's cousin and marriage between cousins is allowed in Islam.
As you see, it all depends on the
relationship between your friend's father and the son of his first wife
or the daughter of his second wife who are party to these two marriages.
If either of them is not your friend's father's own child, then the last
marriage is perfectly valid.
I am both amazed and horrified at
the suggestion that the children born through this last marriage should
be murdered, because, according to some people the marriage is invalid.
Let me say clearly that this suggestion is not only monstrous, but is,
from the Islamic point of view, criminal. How on earth could anyone suggest
that a child born to any woman should be murdered? What Islam teaches us
is that no one bears any responsibility for the sins of another. A child
born into an illegal marriage is not responsible for the action of his
parents. Not even a child born to an adulteress by the man who has committed
adultery with her is not held responsible for his parents' action. Moreover,
if a Muslim woman marries a non-Muslim, her marriage is absolutely illegal.
If she gives birth to any children, then her children are not responsible
for her action. Nobody should touch them in any way. Therefore, if anyone
in your village banns the children of this last marriage on the assumption
that the marriage itself is illegal, then that person should be punished
for his crime. If he kills any of these children and he appears before
an Islamic court and the charge of murder is proven against him, he will
be sentenced to death.
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Inter
faith marriages
Q). May I ask whether Christianity
and Judaism are the only religions with which inter faith marriage is allowed
in Islam. In India there are many religions, and because of proximity many
young Muslims find it sometimes suitable to marry women who may belong
to these faiths. They arrange that the girl convert to Islam for the marriage.
It is often the case that the girl does not know anything about Islam,
and she only converts nominato get married. Is this allowed? Is the marriage
valid?
H. Masthan, Jeddah
A). It is permissible for
a Muslim man to marry a Christian or a Jewish woman without the need for
the woman to convert to Islam at any time. Although this is permissible,
it is not to be encouraged because interfaith marriages are likely to run
into problems. A Muslim woman may not marry anyone other than a Muslim.
As for other religions, it is not permissible for a Muslim man or woman
to marry their followers. This applies to all religions of the Indian subcontinent.
If a follower of such religion wants
to marry a Muslim, he or she must become a Muslim first. I understand that
this condition is what causes women who get to know Muslim men and want
to many them to convert to Islam. They may think that conversion to Islam
is easy since it involves only the declaration that one believes m the
Oneness of God and that Muhammad is His messenger. They utter this declaration
without even thinking about its meaning. Such an action is not a conversion
to Islam. It is mere expedient. It does not make the woman did not concern
a Muslim nor does it make her a lawfully married wife to a Muslim. She
needs to understand Islam and its principles. If she is convinced that
it is the religion of the truth, and she declares her belief in it she
is a Muslim. In this case, she may be married to a Muslim. If she merely
utters the declaration without conviction, she is technically a Muslim,
and we must accept her word. But that does not make her a Muslim in God's
sight. Her husband should know her real attitude and determine his position
accordingly.
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Love
Marriage
Q). How does Islam
view love marriage? What is the proper procedure, from the Islamic point
of view, for selecting one’s life partner? If one marries a girl against
the wishes of his parents, does he incur a sin for disobeying them? What
are the rights of parents in this connection?
S.Shahabuddin, Riyadh.
A). May I put the first question
back to you and ask what is love marriage? It is a martial relationship
recognized by society and official authorities? Or is it the sentimental
relationship, which kindles a burning sensation of attraction to the beloved
one and a desire to be united together? Is it both or neither of them?
Is it both or neither of them? Sometimes, the societies to denote what
are otherwise known as “cohabitation” or “living with someone from the
opposite sex.”
According to Islam, there is nothing
called as love marriage. There is a passion called love and a contractual
relationship, which is marriage. That relationship comes into existence
when a man and a woman who agree to be married in the presence of the woman’s
guardian and a minimum of two witness. When these conditions are met, they
bring about a relationship, which is legitimate, useful and presumed to
be permanent. No other relationship between a man and a woman who is not
related to him is admissible from the Islamic point of view.
That relationship does not preclude
that a passion may exist between the two partners. Nor does the existence
of that passion affect the martial relationship in any way. That passion
is judged on its own results. If it tends to anything that Islam has forbidden,
then it is forbidden. It is limited to a mere feeling, which does not lead
to any forbidden practical results, and then it is not sinful. Having practical
results, then it is not sinful. Having said that, I must add that Islam
does not encourage that such passion should exist before marriage or should
be considered the basis of marriage. Islam encourages, on the other hand,
the sort of love which comes after marriage as both man and wife face together
what life may have in store for them. That love is much more stable, deep
and genuine. Moreover, it gives each of the two partners the chance to
encourage the other to follow Allah’s commands and abide by His laws.
If love marriage is synonymous with
cohabitation or living together, which means that a man and a woman share
the same home and bedroom without going through the formal requirements
of marriage, then their relationship is strictly forbidden because it is
synonymous with fornication and adultery.
The Prophet gives us clear guidance
on what to look for when we select our life partners. He says: ”women may
be sought in marriage for one of four considerations: her wealth, beauty,
social status or her strong faith. Choose the one with faith so that you
may prosper.” This is then the proper procedure. It is to make sure that
the woman one selects to be the future mother of his children should be
one of faith who will encourage him in obeying Allah’s commandments and
keeping on the right path which earns him Allah’s pleasure and who will
impart to; her children the meaning of fearing Allah and being always conscious
of Hs presence. If you look at the four elements mentioned by the Prophet,
you will find that they combine all motives, which a man may have to get
married. He may give priority, when selecting his marriage partner, to
wealth or beauty. Alternatively, he may seek a high position or distinguished
social status. If his aim is one of these, he will look for either a pretty
or a rich woman or he may seek to marry into a wealthy family or one of
good name. Which ever the factor he gives greater weight to, we should
not overlook the fact that they all relate to this world and its priorities
and considerations.
The prophet counsels us that none
of these elements should be given priority. It is the woman with strong
faith, which should be preferred as a marriage partner. Such a wife helps
her husband attain the greatest prize of all: Paradise. When we consider
that, there is simply nothing to be compared with it.
The role of parents in selecting
a life for their son is one of advice, not dictation. Allah has not given
them the right to force their son to marry any particular woman. They may
have reasons of their own for seeking to unite their son in marriage with
a particular woman. They may have reasons of their own for seeking to unite
their son to marry any particular woman. They may have reasons of their
own for seeking to unite their son in marriage with a particular woman,
but they must remember that it is he who will live with that woman, and
it is his happiness that is at stake. Hence, the choice must be his. They
should not try to impose their will on him.
Disobedience can only happen when
the person who is being disobeyed enjoys the right to be obeyed by their
children, their relationship with their young children, when they have
come of age, cannot continue on the basis of orders and strict obedience.
They continue to enjoy throughout the right to be honored and respected
by their adult children, but they cannot always dictate to them in every
aspect of their lives.
If a son wants to marry a girl whom
he knows to be religious and of strong faith, and his parents oppose this
marriage for reasons of their own, then he incurs no sin in going ahead
with that marriage. He is acting on the Prophet’s advice while they are
opposing him for reasons of their own. Their reasons cannot be as good
as his, if he is choosing a woman of strong faith. Disobedience in this
regard does not constitute undutifulness to parents.
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Which
woman to marry?
Q). My wife died two years
ago. I wish to marry a non-Muslim woman who has promised to adopt Islam
if the marriage goes through. After our marriage, can she keep her relationship
with her parents and relatives? On the other hand, my parents want me to
marry a certain widow who is a relation of mine. I am rather confused and
I would be grateful for your advice.
(Name and address withheld)
A). I am afraid I cannot give
you any advice in this matter. That is entirely your decision. What I can
tell you is that if the non-Muslim woman you wish to many will only be
a Muslim because she wants to get married to you, then you have to think
twice before-marrying her. To start with, if she is a Christian or a Jew,
then she need not adopt Islam for the marriage to be valid. But if she
follows a religion, then she should adopt Islam before you can marry her.
In this case, you have to be absolutely certain that she adopts Islam,
knowing that it is the faith to follow. You must on your guard against
a situation where her conversion to Islam is viewed by her simply as a
device to facilitate marriage. She has got to understand what believing
in the Oneness of God and the message of the Prophet Muhammad means.
If she becomes a Muslim, she can
certainly maintain a good relationship with her parents and relatives.
A woman companion of the Prophet asked him whether she should be kindly
to her mother who had visited her, although her mother remained totally
unwilling to adopt Islam. The Prophet told her to be kind to her mother.
On the other hand a Muslim woman who has a good character and has good
knowledge of Islam and its principles is a very suitable woman to marry.
The Prophet has recommended us to choose for our marriage partner, a woman
who Fears God and practices her faith.
Your choice must be based on the
character of each one of the two women, not the type of relationship you
have with the widow or the physical appearance of the non-Muslim woman.
Marriage is a very serious affair and the partner should be properly selected.
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Marriage
with a Christian
Q). A man wants to marry a
Christian woman and the parents of both are reconciled to the idea but
the mosque in their country are refusing to register the marriage. The
people there say that verses 6 of surah 5 refers to the Christians of the
Prophet’s time, who were Unitarian. Please comment
(Name and address withheld)
A). The argument given by
the imam in the mosques is quite wrong. The Christians at the tires of
the Prophet were not Unitarian. In fact the Christian beliefs at the Prophet's
time were the same as they are today. The Qur’an denounces their claims
of Trinity and their elevation of Jesus and his mother, Mary, to a divine
status. It also states clearly that the Christians claimed that Jesus was
Son of God, and refuted their argument. Yet there remains a sufficient
common area between us and the Christians and the Jews to allow the marriage
of Muslim men with the followers of either of these two faiths. This means
that the marriage of this person to a Christian woman is allowed in Islam,
although it may not be recommended on other grounds.
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Marriage
with a prospective convert
Q). A Christian from my home
country, the Philippines, has repeatedly asked me to marry her, she says
that she will become a Muslim if our marriage is successful. Is it, proper
for me to marry her on this condition?
A). Normally a marriage between
a Muslim man and a Christian or a Jewish woman is acceptable and valid.
The woman does not need to change her religion and become a Muslim for
the marriage to go through. Indeed she may retain her faith for the rest
of her life. Her husband is not required to put any pressure on her to
embrace Islam. The basic principle, "No compulsion is admissible in
matters of faith", applies.
The above ruling is qualified by
another Islamic principle, which asserts that it is infinitely better for
a Muslim to marry a Muslim. This is better for both the couple and their
children. Therefore, you may marry this lady if you are convinced that
she will be a good wife for you. Her promise to become a Muslim if the
marriage is successful should not be taken literally. What you should do,
if you decide to marry her, is to explain Islamic teachings and values
to her at leisure using suitable chances whenever they present themselves.
You should let her come to the decision of whether to become a Muslim or
not at her own time, without any pressure from you.
There is, however, another aspect
to the question of inter-faith marriages. That is the social and family
aspect. It is needless to say that the social conditions in which one lives
has a great influence on one's habits and practices. It does not take any
great stretch of imagination to realize that the habits, practices and
attitudes of a Muslim married to a Christian and living in a Muslim society
will be differed from those of the same couple if they were to live in
a predominantly Christian society. For an interfaith marriage to succeed
both husband and wife need to make many more compromises than required
if they belonged to the same faith.
If they live in a Christian country,
these extra compromises will always have to be made by the Muslim husband.
All this and its bearing on the upbringing of children must be taken into
account before deciding to go ahead with an interfaith marriage.
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Where
to marry a non-Muslim
Q). Being aware that a Muslim
man can marry a girl of any other belief, we are at odds with our prospective
wives over what arrangements to make for the marriage ceremony. They are
insisting on ending the ceremony at a church, or, failing that, they insist
that a signing ceremony at the city municipality should be prepared. We
are demanding that we should have a proper Islamic marriage, i.e., Nikah.
The problem is that they will certainly refuse to say the declaration that
they believe in the oneness of Allah and in the message of Prophet Muhammad.
Is there any way to have this marriage performed without displeasing Allah?
Ahmed G.A. Raya and S.N.Nauray.
Q). In one of your answers,
you indicated that it is allowed for a Muslim to marry a Christian or a
Jewish woman. You are undoubtedly aware of the Qur’anic verse, which states
that no Muslim, man or woman, may marry a polytheist. Now that Christians
claim that Jesus was the son of God and the Jews, or some of them at least,
make similar claims about Ezra, do they not become polytheists whom we
are not allowed to marry?
A.Ahmed, Dhahran & M.A.sirajuddeen,Najran.
A). The first letter makes
the error of giving a Muslim man permission to marry a woman of any other
faith. This is not true. The only interfaith marriages allowed in Islam
are those in which a Muslim man marries a Christian or a Jewish woman.
He is not allowed to marry a woman of any other faith or belief. A Muslim
woman, on the other hand, must marry a Muslim. Even Christians and Jews
are not allowed for her to marry.
The question raised in the second
letter is whether we can still consider Christians and Jews to be recipients
of divine revelations when they have deviated from these revelations so
far that they ascribe divinity to Jesus Christ or other beings. In answering
this point, we have to remind ourselves that what Allah has made lawful,
no one can make unlawful. Similarly, what He has forbidden, no one can
make lawful. It is only when a divine commandment or rule is made conditional
on something in particular that the ruling may be changed on the basis
of the condition being met or not. When Allah has allowed us to marry Christian
and Jewish women He did not make that conditional on their having any particular
concept other that believing in Christianity or Judaism. In other words,
it is sufficient that a woman professes to believe in Christianity or Judaism
in order for a Muslim man to be able to marry her.
Moreover, at the time the Qur’an
was revealed, Christians and Jews interpreted their religions in the same
way as they interpret them today. In other words, their religions did not
go through any real change in their basic concepts. We find Qur’anic references
to Christians claiming that Jesus was son of Allah and Jews claiming that
Ezra was son of Allah. Moreover, the Qur’an refers to Christians ascribing
divinity to Mary, mother of Jesus. But in spite of all that, Islam had
made it lawful for Muslims to marry Christian and Jewish women. That permission
remains valid, because there has been no subsequent legislation to cancel
it.
I can understand the worry the two
second readers express in their separate letters about this permission.
To a Muslim mind, the idea of a divine nature being attributed to anyone
other than Allah is nothing less than plain polytheism. But we have to
take Islam as it has been conveyed to us by our Prophet Muhammed, peace
be upon him. He has convit to us correct, complete, and with everything
taken into consideration. It is Allah who has given us this legislation
and He knows what He has legislated for us. What we can say however, on
this point is that being aware of all the distortion that has crept into
the ideological concepts of both Christianity and Judaism, Allah considers
that both of these two divine religions still retain a measure of the belief
in the Oneness of Allah which is enough to justify the permission of inter
marriage with them on a limited scale. We accept this legislation as it
is and do not try to argue against it with the aim of canceling it. For
no man is allowed to cancel legislation made by Allah.
Having said that, I must repeat what
I have frequently said in the past that although marriage with a Christian
or a Jewish woman is allowed to a Muslim man, we should not consider it
except in cases where no practical alternative offers itself. We have to
think of Muslim women who will be left unmarried when many of us marry
women of other faiths. We have also to remember that Islamic legislation
is suitable for Islamic society. This has considerable bearing on the case
in question. When a Muslim man marries a Christian or a Jewish woman and
takes her to live in an Islamic society, she is bound to be influenced
by the society around her. Her own influence on her husband and his approach
to his faith will be limited.
The situation is entirely different
when a Muslim man lives in a non-Islamic society and marries a woman who
does not believe in Islam. There, the pressure of society will be great
on him. He may find himself having to give in on points of great importance
in his faith. Examples abound nowadays when Muslims have immigrated to
all European and American countries, where they are in a minority. Without
giving due thought to the permission given by Allah for Muslim men to marry
Jewish and Christian women, and without trying to understand the reasons
for this permission and the likely effects of inter faith marriages on
them, they rush into marrying women in the countries they have settled
in. Soon they discover that they have made a grave mistake. Living in her
own society, close to her own relatives, the woman in question does not
feel any need to modify her habits and practices. She feels that it is
up to her husband to try to adapt to the norms of her society. In doing
so, he finds that he has to sacrifice some values, which are basic to his
faith. Once he starts, the road ahead is very slippery. He will soon discover
that he has moved far away from the basics of his Islamic faith.
There are certain misunderstandings
about Islamic marriage in the first letter. The term “Nikah” means “marriage.”
To read or say nikah is to go through the marriage contract verbally. It
is not a condition that the declaration of believing in the oneness of
Allah and the message of the prophet, i.e. the kalimah which signifies
acceptance of Islam be said by either man or wife in that ceremony. All
that it consists of is a proposition of marriage and an acceptance of that
proposition in the presence of the woman’s father or guardian and witness.
An Islamic marriage contract may be performed anywhere, although we are
recommended by the Prophet to have it in a mosque. This is only a recommendation,
not an obligation.
The question is raised whether it
can be performed in a church. The answer is a clear and firm “no”. It is
in fact forbidden for a Muslim to have his marriage performed in a temple,
where worship of any sort other than Islamic worship is offered or practiced.
When the marriage of a Muslim man is made in a church, he allows himself
to run the risk of becoming an apostate, since he may find himself in a
position of having to take part in non-Islamic worship.
There is no harm in having the marriage
contract made in the city municipality. In fact, if the girl’s father or
guardian is present and Muslim witnesses are also present, then the marriage
performed in the city municipality is sufficient for Islamic purposes.
In other words there is no need to have a further Islamic marriage contract.
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Martial
relations in the period
Q). Many of us, expatriates,
go home for vacation after an absence of one year or more. On arrival or
just before departure one may find his wife in her period. What is permissible
for him and what is not?
M.A. Salama,Riyedh
A). A companion of the Prophet,
still a young man, asked one of the Prophet's wives this very question.
Her reply was "All except intercourse." This is confirmed by
a report by Aisha that when she was in her period the Prophet might ask
her to tie up her underwear before he would do some of the preliminaries
of sex, always stopping short of intercourse.
This is an example of the middle
attitude of Islam. It does not go to the extreme of banishing a woman from
her husband's bed when she is in the period, like some other religions
do, nor does it allow intercourse because of the uncleanness that attends
the mensrual period.
To be more specific, when a woman
is in her period, she may have sex play with her husband. They may be undressed
with the exception of the area round her private parts. In the situation
you have explained, when one is with his wife after or before a long absence,
one should guard against exceeding this limit.
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Marriage
in the waiting period unacceptable
Q). I have got married to
a lady after the court ordered the dissolution of her former marriage.
She had been married to a man who left her soon after the marriage to live
and work in the Kingdom. For six years she did not receive any communication
from him, and he did not send her any money to look after herself. An Islamic
court in our country granted her application for the dissolution of her
marriage. Three days after the court decision, we got married. Is our marriage
proper and valid?
A.U.A, Makkah
A). I would have thought that
such a question should have been put before the marriage rather than after
it had taken place. Marriage and divorce are very serious matters because
they mean the difference between a legitimate and an illegitimate relationship.
Hence it is very important to know the rules that affect the validity of
each one of them in order to ensure that our family relationships are of
the type that God permits. If we do not know the rules, then we are likely
to make mistakes, which would land us in trouble as they may make a relationship,
which we so dearly wish to have unattainable, or they may make a break
of a relationship final and impossible to mend. It is extremely important
to realize that the rules God has laid down for marriage and divorce are
simple and straightforward. It is we who introduce difficulties into them
by choosing to ignore God's rules and doing things our own way without
observing what God wants us to observe. I have repeatedly emphasized to
my readers the importance of knowing the Islamic law relating to marriage
and divorce before embarking on either step. I cannot make the emphasis
too strong, because, judging by the type of letter I receive people continue
to ignore these roles, mostly through ignorance at their own peril
The writer of this letter says that
he has married his wife only three days after the court had ordered the
dissolution of her marriage to her first husband. Has he never heard of
the need to observe a waiting period during which the divorced woman may
not marry a man other than her divorcing husband?
In other words, she may be reunited
in marriage with the man who has divorced her, but cannot be married to
any other man until her waiting period is over This obviously applies if
the divorce has taken place for the first or second time, but not if it
is an irrevocable divorce which is the third one. The difference is made
because an important purpose of the waiting period is to make sure of the
parenthood of any child the woman may have conceived from her first marriage,
or may conceive early in her second marriage.
I am afraid I do not have any comforting
news for this couple, because they made a 'marriag' at a time when no such
a step could be right. When a marriage comes to an end, either through
divorce or the death of the husband, the wife has to observe a waiting
period during which she may not get married.
This waiting period is of different
duration according to the circumstances of the woman, but in the case of
this particular lady, it should last until she has had three menstruation
periods after the court decision dissolving her marriage it is only when
the waiting period is over that the lady may get married again.
Nothing can waive this restriction
because it is ordered by God Himself. When the couple violated this rule
by getting married after only three days, they have precipitated something
that could not be lawful until its appointed time. Hence there is a penalty
which has to be imposed on them. I will explain.
There is only one of two alternatives.
The couple might have been totally unaware of the need to observe the waiting
period. It is very difficult to imagine that a Muslim couple living in
a Muslim country are unaware of the requirement of a waiting period after
divorce. Yet it may be that they might have overlooked the requirement
because of the dissolution of the first marriage by a court order. Anyhow,
if they were totally unaware or ignorant of the requirement, then they
must be separated straight away and the woman has to observe her waiting
period indeed what she has to observe now is two waiting periods one for
her marriage which has been dissolved by the court and another for the
second 'marriage' which is not valid.
Each waiting period lasts until she
has had three menstruation periods. The first one counts for the first
marriage and the second for the invalid marriage, unless she happens to
be pregnant at the time of her separation from the second man. In this
case, she observes the second waiting period first in this case; it lasts
until she delivers her baby. Then she must observe the other waiting period
for the first marriage. It must be clear that the two waiting periods cannot
nun concurrently. In other words they cannot be counted at the same time.
Each must run its course separately. When she has completed her two waiting
periods, they may get married. To do that they must have a fresh marriage
contract, because the first one is invalid and of no value whatsoever.
The other situation is that the couple was aware of the need to observe
a waiting period but they nevertheless went ahead and arranged for their
marriage despite knowing this requirement. Their action in this case is
very grave indeed. Their marriage is not valid at all. They would be considered
adulterers and they deserve the punishment of adultery because their action
is taken deliberately in defiance of God's law. Moreover, they must separate
immediately.
When they have separated, they may
not be married to each other for the rest of their lives That is because
they have precipitated what they would have had in good time, but the precipitation
constitutes a deliberate violation of Islamic law. The woman will still
need to observe her two waiting periods, in the manner outlined above,
before she could marry a different man. For their sake, I hope that this
does not apply to them. However, it is only they who can tell whether it
applies to them or not, because they are the ones who can tell whether
they were truly unaware of the need to observe a waiting period or not
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Confusion
about the validity of the marriage
Q). After one and a half Years
of being married, a woman obtained a ruling from an Islamic court nullifying
her marriage. The basis of the ruling was the ill treatment she received
from her husband who used to beat her up and demand money from her. Her
former husband was sent several notices with at least one of these notices
published in the Local paper but he failed to appear in court. The court
then granted her the nullification.
The woman is now married to another
man but recently that husband was told by a scholar that such a khula is
not valid Without the consent of the first husband which means that the
woman is still married to the first husband and her second marriage is
null and void. That caused the couple no end of distress. Particularly
since they have had a child recently. Please comment.
(Name and address withheld)
A). Sometimes I get very angry
when I receive a question like this. My anger is not directed at the parties
concerned in the problem, but at the outsider who voices an opinion which
has a far reaching effect on the lives of several people without paying
due regard to the circumstances of the case or studying the problem in
depth.
The reader speaks of a scholar telling
him that such a khula is not valid without the consent of the first husband.
What he did was to look at the question from the specific point of view
of khula and then he voiced his opinion on the basis of his school of thought.
This means that there are two limiting factors in how he has dealt with
the problem which involves the legitimacy or otherwise of a marital relationship.
That is very bad indeed. I do not know the man or the country where he
comes from but I can guess his school of thought and I feel that he might
have not studied anything outside it. That is not the way a good scholar
should look at a problem like this with all its practical limitations.
This is not a case of khula in the
first place. Khula is a nullification of the marriage at the request of
a wife which may not have a reason other than the wife feeling that life
with her husband does not give her the fulfillment a woman expects from
a happy married life. In khula the woman pays back her dower to her husband
and her waiting period lasts only for one menstruation period according
to the weightier opinion to ensure that she is not pregnant. When the khula
takes place, it does not count as a divorce.
Here the case is one of divorce by
the judge on the basis of ill treatment. In such cases the judge has to
make sure that there is undoubtedly ill treatment which means life with
the man is intolerable. The judge determines what sort of proof to demand
in order to satisfy him that the claims of the wife are true. Here we are
told that the man beats up his wife. If he acknowledges that, then that
is the best proof, but this could also be proven by other means, such as
witnesses who may be neighbors or relatives? We are also told that the
man used to demand money from his wife. He sent her to her parents frequently
to get him that money. This is again another form of ill treatment, which
could easily make life intolerable.
The judge in this case has done what
is required when he sent repeated notices to the husband to attend the
hearing, and when he published an announcement in the local newspaper.
If the husband does not attend the court after all this and the judge is
satisfied that the ill treatment is a fact, then the judge is within his
jurisdiction to order the nullification of the marriage. That nullification
is considered as a divorce by the judge, which is a single divorce. This
is another difference between this sort of nullification and khula.
The second husband of this lady may
rest assured about the validity of his marriage. He need not worry or ask
any one’s opinion since the nullification is ordered by a court of Islamic
law. What is the purpose of asking anyone when no one would give the case
the sort of in-depth study and consideration as the court would do?
Top
Why
not allow polyandry?
Q) Why is a man in Islam allowed
to marry up to four wives but woman only one husband? Is this not sexiest
bias against women. Surely they must also enjoy the same right.
(Name withheld), Jeddah
A) Biologically a man can
perform his duty as a husband even if he has more than one wife, which,
if a woman has more than, one husband, will not be able to perform her
duty as a wife.
The lady, during her menstrual period,
undergoes certain behavioral and psychological changes and therefore the
majority of marital quarrels occur during the menstrual period. According
to reports of criminal record of women in the US, ladies commit crime during
this period. For a wife, if she has more than one husband, to mentally
adjust, will be more difficult. Medical science also tells us that if a
lady has more than one husband she had chances of acquiring sexually transmitted
diseases as well as venereal diseases as she can transmit it back to the
husband. Which is not the case of a husband who has more than one wife.
The identification of both the parents
is possible if children born from a union between one man and more than
one wife. The father can be identified as well the mother can be identified.
However, m the case of polyandry (the union of one wife with more than
one husband) it is possible to only identify the mother; not the father.
Islam accords utmost importance to the identification of the parents. And
psychologists tell us if child cannot identify his parents he undergoes
mental trauma.
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Dimension
of love misunderstood
Q). Some western friends argued
that polygamous marriages can never be just as it is impossible to love
two women at the same time. Their understanding of the concept of love
seems to differ from ours. I tried to explain but I am not sure I myself
understand the true dimension properly. I was not able to reply, as I do
not know what the correct answer to this point is. What should my reply
be?
A). Many of us seem to think
that love is an abstract feeling and thus cannot be controlled or divided.
Love, however may be an abstract feeling, which can either be controlled,
divided, increased or decreased. This is, in fact, a divine gift from Allah,
as seen in the following verse: "And among His signs is that He created
for you mates among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with
them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts."
In the practical sense, flexibility
of one's love depends on the situation. In practical life, a person simultaneously
loves Allah, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), his parents, children, husband/wives,
friends, teachers and so on. This proves that love can be divided and shared!
Thus it's up to the person to control, increase or decrease his /her love
towards others.
However, a husband can control his
affection and love among his wives and share it among them if he wishes.
The Prophet himself had shared his love and affection with all of his wives,
as they required. The flexibility of one's 'love is further highlighted
in the following Hadith: Narrated by Anas who said: The Prophet (pbuh)
said: "One will not be a (perfect) Muslim unless he loves me more
than himself, and his father, and his children, and the human kind as a
whole."
In the light of the above tradition,
the idea of love has been classified by the mohaddithin into various categories.
According to Maulana A.E.M. Yusuf,
a religious scholar of Bangladesh, 'love can be divided as follows:
Muhabbat Ikhtiary: Optional love
such as love for wife/husband, common people, friend, teacher, students,
etc. Such love can be controlled shared, increased, or decreased.
Muhabbat Idtirary: Natural love such
as love for parents, children, own brothers, and sisters, etc. Such love
comes naturally and no matter how extremely a person is upset or angry
with them, his love will not decrease.
Imam Abu Solaiman Al-Khattabee said:
"The word al-Hubb' does not refer to natural one but refers to optional
one."
Ibn Battal, Qadi Al-lyadh and the
others said: "Love is divided into three categories: Mohabbat Ajlal-wa
A'zam, such as to love father; Mohabbat Shafqatun Mashakilatun wa-lstihsanun,
such as to love all human kind."
Allama Badruddin Ainee classified
love into three categories, he said: "The classification of love is
three: Mohabbatul Ajlal-wa A'zam such as to love one's father, Mohabbat
Rahmah-wa Ashraq, such as to love your son; and Mhabbat Mushakilatun-wa
Istihsanun such as the love of people for each other.
Hence it is extremely important to
draw our attention to a question: Why has Allah permitted the practice
of polygamy in the Qur'an if love can not be divided.
The real fact is that Allah, Who
created human beings knows that man has the capacity to divide and share
his love with his wives and that is why polygamous marriage had been permitted.
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Polygamy
and being fair to man and woman
Q). I refer to an answer you
have given earlier in which you corrected the translation of a verse from
the Qur'an as referring to "spouses", not merely "wives."
Another topic you tackled on the same date was 'polygamy and the consent
of the first wife." Should we not read "spouse" in this
context also? Or is it that Allah's message has been interpreted through
a man's point of view, which read "man" in place of "spouse",
to make it easy for men to encroach upon the rights and privileges of women,
or rather "first wives.” Would any man consent to his wife taking
a second, third or fourth husband? May I point out that all educated Muslim
men to whom I talked have interpreted the concept of fairness among one's
wives as being limited to the material aspects of life. They agree that
no man can be equally in love with two women simultaneously. How is he
expected to be fair?
My own conclusion is that Allah,
being so just, would not consider "fair to women" what is not
"fair to men." I leave to you the choice to answer this letter
or not, since I have not converted to Islam yet.
Marianne D. Szoke, OBE, Dhahran
A). Thank you for leaving
me this choice of answering your letter or not but I have not considered
that choice on the basis of your religion. It is on the merit and nature
of the question raised that I determine the space I give to each letter.
Let me first put your mind at rest:
The Qur'anic verse which permits polygamy and allows a man up to four wives
does not speak of spouses" or "wives'' but refers to women. It
says: "Marry from among women who are allowed to you two, three or
four.'' This is not to be construed as an order but a permission. Moreover
the terms "spouses" 'wives'' and ''women" are used in the
Qur'an as appropriate. Mistakes of interpretation may be made in a variety
of ways such as reading wives for spouses and making the reverse interpretation
applying to both men and women by alims in successive generations have
twisted what IS intended for women only. When I corrected my reader, he
was simply restricting a statement, which should have been understood as
having a wider application. We cannot take that as a rule and claim that
Muslims in all generations have misunderstood Allah's message or interpreted
it in a restricted way simply because this is a man's world. Such a suggestion
has two highly objectionable implications: the first is that Allah has
not put his message clearly and precisely, and the second is that Muslims
have restricted Allah's teachings.
Neither implication is acceptable. The Our'an is a divine book which uses
the most clear, lucid and precise of styles. Allah certainly allows a measure
of flexibility in His teachings and laws, so that they may be implemented
in different societies as suits them best. That applies only to issues
where flexibility is required. There are other matters which are applicable
universally in the same degree, method and form.
This second implication is equally
impossible. It accuses all Muslims particularly scholars, of having deliberately
narrowed the significance of Allah's commandments. That takes them out
of the boundaries of Islam altogether. No one can support such a claim
with any sound evidence. Indeed, the reverse is true. The Muslim nation
takes pride in its wealth of scholarship, which is unsurpassed by any other
culture. The aim of this scholarship is to understand the divine message
correctly and to implement it conscientiously.
You also raise the point of fair
treatment. The first point you raise is that of fairness between man and
woman, in which you imply that if it is fair for a man to have four wives,
a woman should have also been allowed to marry up to four husbands. May
I suggest that this is a very narrow view of fairness. What is wrong with
it is that it puts both man and woman on absolutely equal footing paying
no regard tthe fact that they have different roles in life and they have
been equipped with the appropriate talents and abilities which enable them
to fulfill their roles in the most suitable manner. To deny them that difference
is to be unfair to either or both of them. Absolute
fairness requires that duties and responsibilities should be commensurate
with roles and abilities. If it is unfair to pay
different wages to men and women who are doing the same job, it is also
unfair to ask men and women to do the same job if, by their very nature
they are not equally equipped for the job they are being asked to do. Thus,
when Islam makes it a duty of a man to support his wife and immediate female
relatives, and does not require women to work in order to earn their living.
Islam is not being unfair to man. It is only a matter of defining roles,
duties and responsibilities according to abilities. Allah's legislation
is, in its entirety, fair to both man and woman. We must not forget that
both of them are Allah's creation who is the Most Just.
The fact that polygamy has been permitted
by Allah when polyandry is not is not due to any favoritism toward man
but to the fact that polygamy has certain benefits for society while polyandry
has none. It is not because no man would consent to his wife having a second,
third or fourth husband that polyandry is forbidden. There are in Islam
so many issues and legislation, which people would not have consented to
if they were asked in the first place. Yet, they have been included in
Islamic legislation. The reason is that they are beneficial to individual
and community alike. Had polyandry been beneficial, Allah would have certainly
allowed it because He has allowed us everything that is good for us
As for being fair to one's wife,
I am afraid that the answer that you have been given by Muslims to whom
you have talked is correct. It is fair treatment that is required of men
who have more than one wife. What they must do is to provide their wives
with the same standard of living and the same care and kindness, which
people normally, show to their wives. As for equal love, this is not required
as a duty. This should not be surprising to you or to anyone. There are
two reasons for this: Ability and accountability. As for ability, human
beings do not love others by choice. There are many reasons, factors and
reactions involved in the sentiment of love which are not all under the
control of man. Moreover, a man may be married for twenty years to one
woman and he does not love her, although he may treat her with all the
kindness expected of a husband after going through life together with his
wife for such a long time. There may be many reasons for the lack of love
between them, and some of these may he due to him while others may be due
to her yet they may live happily together, with each one of them fulfilling
the duties expected of a married couple. Nobody will find much wrong with
their marriage because love, in the Western sense, is not an essential
requirement for a happy married life. If this is true, when one is married
to one wife, it is even more so when he has two or three wives. He cannot
love them equally even if he tries. This is referred to in the Qur'an when
Allah says: "You will not be able to maintain fairness between wives,
keen as you may be to do so. Therefore, do not be totally inclined toward
the one leaving the other, as it were, in suspense. This is a statement
recognizing that it is not possible for human beings to love two or three
or four women equally. Moreover the Prophet himself expressed his inability
to love his wives equally when he prayed "My lord I have done my best
in what I can do. Do not blame me for that over which I have no power."
Yet the Prophet was exemplary in his fair treatment of his wives.
The second point is accountability.
When Allah assigns a certain duty to us, we are accountable for it. It
is not difficult to gauge fairness of treatment. How can we guide fairness
in feeling? That is difficult even for the person himself. If you have
several children, you may have one of them as your favorite. Yet, you treat
them equally and try not to show your favoritism. However, most people
will tell you that they love their children equally. When you press them
hard, you may discover certain favoritism toward one of their children.
Are they accountable for that'' if they treat their children equally then
certainly they are not accountable for loving one a little more than the
others.
Top
Marriage
and a heavy burden of expenditure
Q). How important is it that
a person who wishes to get married should have a permanent job and enough
savings to give en expensive wedding? How about a person, who has enough
to pay a dower and lead a decent standard of living, but cannot afford
a luxury wedding? What is needed to change the social view that only wealthy
bridegroom is worth considering? May I also ask if a person feels that
he needs to get married but finds himself unable to arrange that should
he resort to fasting? If so, for how long?
M A Rahman,Riyadh
A) Islam encourages marriage
and recommends early marriage for both young men and women. It lays down
criteria for choosing the right spouse. In the case of a wife, the prophet
says:" a woman is sought in marriage for one of four things; Her wealth,
beauty, family and faith. Make sure to choose the one with strong faith."
In this hadith, the prophet makes it clear that most of the considerations
to which people attach great importance when choosing a wife, such as wealth,
beauty and family, are of little value.
The important consideration is that
she should have strong faith, because that is the one, which shapes her
character, and make her a good wife.
Similarly, when a father receives
a proposal of marriage for his daughter, he should consider the character
of the suitor, not his wealth or family connections. The prophet says:
"Should a man whom you find satisfactory with regard to his honesty
and strength of faith propose to you for marriage, then give him (your
daughter) in marriage. Unless you do that, there is bound to be strife
and much corruption in society." Again the prophet does not attach
any importance to the wealth or position of the man who comes with a marriage
proposal. He only speaks of the man's honesty and strength of faith: The
Prophet also warns that if we choose different criteria, our society will
soon suffer from corruption.
Having said that, I should also explain
that these criteria which the prophet outlines are the ones to be given
priority. Other considerations also have their importance, although they
must never pre cede the ones the Prophet has outlined.
For example, if a family has to choose
between two proposals from two persons who both meet the proper standard
of honesty and strength of faith, then other factors such as the age of
the suitor and his type of job or trade may be given their due importance.
Hence, scholars have stressed compatibility as an important basis for accepting
or rejecting a marriage proposal.
It is certainly against the teachings
of Islam to make marriage difficult for young people by making excessive
demands of dower, housing and furniture. These should always be of reasonable
standard so that we do not discourage young people from marriage and cause
a general delay in the marriage age in society.
This is unfortunately the case in
some Muslim countries, where you find most people unable to get married
before they reach their late 20s or early 30s.
In some cases, people reach 40 years
of age before they have a realistic chance of getting married. That is
a situation, which leads to much corruption.
Fasting is recommended to young men
who feel the urge to get married but is unable to marry for any reason.
He is the one to decide how often to fast.
There is no specific recommendation
on this point. It is when a person feels that he is liable to slip into
sin that he should resort to fasting. That weakens his desire and strengthens
his resolve to resist any temptation he may be facing.
Top
Wrong
advice on marriage
Q). I wish to marry agirl
from my hometown, but my parents want me to marry a different one. Their
objection is based only on seeing her photo and the advice of their Pir
who claims that the girl's nature does not fit with mine. I am at a loss
what to do because my parents are strictly following the Pir's advice.
They insist that if I do not do as the Pir says, then I am not a true Muslim.
Please advise.
S. Khan, Jeddah
A). This is largely a social
problem, but certain aspects have a religious overtone because of the authority
claimed by the people involved. It is important then, to determine what
authority each of them has. The first is that claimed by the Pir, whom
is normally a spiritual guide looked upon with great respect by his followers.
I have often spoken about such people and the authority they exercise.
Without going into a great deal of discussion, I would like to make it
clear that according to Islam, there is no such position for anyone. We
are not required to have such a guide or to listen to his advice. If we
do, then we have to evaluate that advice and make sure that it is within
Islamic law.
The point is that most, if not all,
of those Pirs' enjoy their positions by a hereditary process. In other
words, they inherit the position from their father and ancestors. As a
result they lead a very comfortable life and enjoy a position of great
respect. It is often the case that they have little knowledge of Islam.
Indeed they recommend practices which are unIslamic such as paying respect
at the graves of saints' and asking them to Intercede with God on behalf
of the living. This is a very serious Violation of Islamic teachings and
it runs against the Prophet's guidance.
Besides, they are often unqualified
to give advice on ordinary affairs. Take your own case with the Pir advising
against a marriage on the basis of seeing a photo of the woman and claiming
a conflict of nature between the two of you. How can he say all this and
on what basis? This is a wide claim, which needs to be substantiated before
one starts to think about listening to it.
I have often advised my readers to
abandon pirs and not to visit them. If they want to follow Islam, then
they the have to learn it from scholars and books, not from those who make
a lucrative business of adopting a religious guise and claiming a religious
position which is not theirs and which Islam does not approve.
On the other hand, your parents claim
of absolute authority over your marriage is not valid.
They may give you advice. But the
decision is finally yours. You should try to make them happy, but if they
take an unreasonable attitude, you try to come to terms with them in a
proper way. If you keep arguing with them, it is likely that attitudes
will harden and you will get no where. It is important for your future
happiness that you gain your parent's acceptance of the woman you want
to marry now, before marriage. That is easier than putting them face to
face with the reality of having married her against their will.
What you have to do is to agree first
with the woman concerned to adopt a long-term strategy to win their consent.
Then you may give your parents the impression that you are postponing the
whole idea of marriage for the time being. Tell them that you do not wish
to go against their will, and since they have not agreed to your choice,
you will leave the matter for a while until you find someone who will win
their approval. At the same time you may be able to recruit the help of
someone in your family who has influence on your parents, perhaps your
grandfather or eldest uncle. You should choose someone whom you know to
be broadminded. Let him argue your case with them, preferably in your absence.
Gradually you may be able to win them over to agree to this marriage. In
this way you avoid long-lasting friction in the family. However it is important
to know that if their disagreement is unreasonable and they will not budge,
and the woman is a virtuous one whom you believe will make you a good wife,
then you may marry her even if they do not agree. That they say you will
not be a true Muslim in this case is simply wrong.
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Education
and Marriage
Q). I am a student of medicine,
having three years to complete my studies. I have recently accepted a proposal
of marriage from a man whom I find very suitable as a husband. He wants
our marriage to take place without delay, while my father prefers that
I should complete my university degree first. I am torn between my desire
to finish my studies and my thoughts that if I allow this proposal of marriage
to fall through, I may not wish to marry anyone else in future, because
I feel that I will not be able to do my duties toward my husband wholeheartedly.
In this respect, I would like to ask what Islam says about long engagement
and about girl's education. Further, is it permissible for a girl to pursue
her studies abroad, if she is not accompanied by any member of her family?
She may have all the protection she needs if she stays in a student’s hostel.
I have been reading about my problem
and two hadiths which I have come across seem to me as if to contradict
to each other. In the first one, the Prophet is reported to have said that
when a girl or a boy reach the age of puberty, they should be bound in
wedlock. In the other, he encourages pursuit of studies, even if it takes
one to China. If one wishes to pursue his or her studies to the university
level, they are bound to finish long after reaching the age of puberty.
How can thee two hediths be reconciled? I would like further to ask about
istikharah. I have read that if one sees in one's dream green and white
colors, then the result is positive, while red and black colors indicate
a negative result. Please comment.
(Name and Address withheld)
A). It seems to me that your
problem can easily be solved if everyone involved shows a willingness to
cooperate and accommodate the desires of the others. There is no reason
to stop you completing your studies after getting married to this gentleman,
if he is truly a suitable husband. You will not be either the first or
last student to be married during her course of study. You put the two
choices as if they were mutually exclusive when they are not. There may
be some reasons which have caused you to do so, but which you have not
explained in your letter. If it is practically possible for you to get
married and complete your studies, then all you have to do is to ask your
prospective husband to assure your father that you complete your degree.
Having said that, I have a suspicion
that this is not the real question. What bothers you is your future attitude
to any man you may marry, other than the one who has already proposed to
you when your thoughts continue to be attached to this particular person.
You may feel that you cannot be sincere in your thoughts to your future
husband. This is a romantic view of things, which we sometimes try to magnify.
If we look at things realistically, then we recognize that life does not
conform to our thoughts. At times, we value a certain attachment as something
so precious that we cannot survive without it. We may develop a certain
friendship to the extent that we become inseparable from our privileged
friends. Events may take place to separate us, such as a friend moving
with his family to another city or going abroad to pursue his or her studies.
When the separation approaches, we view it as an inevitable calamity. A
few weeks or months later, we may stop to look at ourselves and we are
surprised that we have coped with the separation without difficulty. Your
case is the same, if you want to view it realistically. If, however, you
want to look at it in a romantic light and you persist with doing so, then
you will continue nursing your sense of loss and perpetuating the pain
you may feel at the time of the separation. This is something which is
largely your own to deal with. What I have to say is that if this proposal
does not lead to marriage, it should not be viewed by you as the end of
the world. You should try to overcome the problem and begin to look forward
to a happy future. If you are mto someone else later, then you have to
do your best to give him what he is entitled to have of your attention,
care and love. If he is the right sort of person, you will soon find out
that you are more intimately attached to him than you could ever have thought
possible. That is the nature of life. Romantic ideas have very little effect
in practice. There is
nothing in Islam to forbid a long
engagement. From the practical point of view, a long engagement is not
the ideal thing to do. It may have the advantage of stopping new proposals,
but it ushers an unnatural situation. The two fiances think of each other
while they continue to live apart. This goes on for several years, it may
have a negative effect on marriage, since we always try to paint in our
minds an idealistic picture of the other party. When this picture has been
for long in our minds, then marriage takes place, we find that the reality
differs from what we have imagined. A difficult process of readjustment
is then required. That could involve problems.
From another point of view, if the
engagement is short of making the actual contract of marriage, then the
two fiances are not supposed to meet alone, either at home or in public.
In other words, a Muslim may not take his fiancee out for a meal, unless
they are accompanied by one of her parents or brothers. Some people may
object to this saying that a man and a woman who have declared their intentions
to get married can be trusted to keep themselves within the proper limits
if they go out. The answer is simple. To start with, problems may take
place and the engagement may be broken. The reputation of the girl should
not be blemished by her relationship with her first fiancée. Secondly,
Islam lays down these restrictions for the benefit of its followers. The
simple fact is that it is wrong to bring together a young man and a young
woman, leaving them alone in a cozy, intimate atmosphere and then ask them
to struggle with their feelings and passion in order to keep themselves
within the Islamic limits. There is no denial that there is mutual attraction
between them, and leaving them alone means exposing them to the danger
of being overpowered by that mutual attraction.
Islam encourages every parent to
provide their children with a good standard of education. That applies
equally to boys and girls. It is unfortunate that educational systems nowadays
require both sexes to take the same subject. Islam would have made girls'
education rather different from that of boys so that it is tailored to
help the girls, who are future mothers, to cope with their problems of
life. For example, a course of nursing is highly beneficial to every mother.
That does not mean that every girl should become a qualified nurse. It
means that she should be able to look after her family in a proper way.
When it comes to taking a scholarship
abroad, this is subject to the Islamic restriction on women traveling alone.
As you realize, Islam does not allow a woman to travel alone even to perform
the most important religious duty of pilgrimage She must be accompanied
by her husband or a relative whom she cannot marry. It is definitely less
permissible for a girl to stay alone in a foreign country for several years.
To say that she is well protected in a students' hostel is unrealistic.
As for the hadiths to which you have
referred, the first one does not seem to be authentic. There is no requirement
on parents to bind their children in wedlock when they have attained puberty.
Early marriage is certainly preferred by Islam, but marriage is left to
the individual to determine its time according to his or her circumstances.
Nowadays, only a few men marry before they are twenty. Many do not marry
until they are twenty-five or even older. Early marriages are preferred
by Islam because it provides a chance to satisfy natural needs in a legitimate
way.
It is true that the modern system
of education does not allow most people to marry before they have completed
their education and started work. In effect this takes them to about twenty-five
years of age. Marriage places new responsibilities on both partners and
they have to choose the time for taping up these responsibilities according
to their circumstances.
What you have mentioned about seeing
certain colors in one's dream after praying for Allah's guidance in a certain
problem, i.e. the prayer of istikharah is not correct. None of these colors
have any significance. What happens after a prayer of istikharah is that
one finds oneself more inclined to a certain choice. The fact that he has
prayed Allah to help him choose correctly should make him overcome his
worry and take the choice which becomes easier or more attractive to him,
feeling that Allah will certainly respond to his prayer and give him the
choice which is better for him, sparing him the problems of the worse choice.
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