Spiritual Trauma is so Painful

“When you’re told as a child that if you don’t do something- Allah will be angry at you or that if you do something, He will punish you-
When you are told as a teen that the reason you’re going through severe depression or struggling with anxiety or eating disorders is because you don’t read enough Quran- When as a young adult, you’re told that Allah won’t answer you because you aren’t “good” so there’s no point to your prayers anyway-
When as an adult you try to come back to the masjid with full vulnerability and you’re chewed out and judged-
You sometimes begin to ascribe the anger and hatred you at times feel for yourself as the way that Allah perceives you.
But who are you to assert that Allah is angry at you? How is it the right of any person to claim that Allah will not answer your prayers or accept your efforts?
When you experience hardship, you may be conditioned to see it as punishment because Allah is angry with you. But what about the Prophets of Allah? They were tested more than any of us. And they were the most pleasing to Him.
When you try to pray or read Quran and you have trouble overcoming the shame and guilt you have associated with it- it’s often because of the message that was metaphorically beaten into your psyche by loved ones who were so terrified of losing you, they’ve made Allah’s punishment and anger the only ways you’ve even come to know Him.
Spiritual trauma is so painful because it strips you of the One Who should be your safe space in the depths of your darkness but instead fills you with fear and shame.
Soknow: the way you feel about yourself is not necessarily the way Allah sees you. He Himself tells you: “I am as my servant thinks I am.” When you ask for forgiveness, believe He will give it. When you pray to Him, have certainty He will answer it.
Stop listening to people who may have meant well but have used Allah’s Blessed Name to shame and guilt in an attempt to control your behavior.
And instead, start listening to Allah.
He says about His servant- Not “the perfect” servant. Not “the sinless” servant. He says about *YOU*:”
“And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him with speed.”
“So flee to Allah” (Quran, 51:50)