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Insecure Parents seek a sense of Self-Worth through their Children

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They create (sometimes even before the child is born) a fantasy version of who the child will be. Based on their own needs, not the unique traits of their child. They struggle to connect with the child emotionally, and instead, stay connected to a mental version of who their child ‘should be’. Children of those parents subconsciously feel like the relationship is transactional and that if they don’t fulfill their parent’s needs (accomplish, perform, be perfect) their parents will not approve of them. As adults they sometimes have double lives- the self- they present to a parent and the self- they present to the rest of the world.

At their core, they want nothing more than to be loved and accepted by a parent not for what they do, but for who they truly are.

Parents need to provide a secure style of parenting which is where a child feels comforted by the presence of their care giver. Securely attached children feel protected and that they have someone to rely on.

Ways in which you can create a secure parent child relationship-

Parents should be loving and caring.
• There should be trust and mutual understanding
• The parent provides opportunities for the child to develop autonomy and independence.
• The parent should pay attention to the child’s needs and not just what they want or expect from the child.
• Active listening should be practiced.
• Quality time should be provided on a daily basis
• Unique traits of your child should be accepted wholeheartedly
• Parent has to understand and realize that the child has his own identity and their choices should not define their worth or image