Traits of an Abusive Mindset
1. Controlling Behavior
A need to control others, often through manipulation and aggression.
2. Entitlement
Feeling superior or victimized, deserving special treatment while treating others with minimal regard.
3. Self-Centered Attitude
Acting in self-interest without considering the needs of others, even if it causes harm.
4. Rigid Gender Role Stereotyping
Imposing unrealistic and harmful expectations based on gender stereotypes.
5. External Locus of Control
Believing others and the environment are responsible for their behavior, leading to blame-shifting and resistance to change.
6. Hypersensitivity
Easily upset over any inconvenience or personal slight.
The History Many Abusers Share
Domestic violence is a choice that abusers make, regardless of their past experiences, mental health issues, or the actions of the survivor. However, certain factors can increase the risk of someone becoming abusive:
• History of abuse in one’s family or past
• Childhood physical or sexual abuse
• Prior physical abusiveness
• Lack of appropriate coping skills
• Low self-esteem
• Social isolation or few friends
• Co-dependent behavior
• Untreated mental illness
• Substance abuse
• Socioeconomic pressures
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Prior criminal record
• Lack of nonviolent problem-solving skills
• Belief in strict gender roles
• Desire for power and control
• History of justifying violence
It’s important to recognize these factors as potential risk indicators, not definitive causes of abuse. Abusers may use these factors as excuses to justify their behavior.
Mental Illness Doesn’t Cause Abuse
Many individuals with mental health issues do not abuse their partners. An abuser with a mental illness simply has two issues: their mental illness and their propensity to abuse.
Abusers and Mental Health Disorders
Abusers may be diagnosed with or exhibit signs of one or more of the following mental health disorders. Remember, abuse is a choice, not caused by mental illness.
1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Characterized by a lack of empathy, constant need for validation, arrogance, and grandiosity. Narcissists belittle others to appear superior and monopolize conversations.
2. Borderline Personality Disorder
Defined by self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions, fear of abandonment, mood swings, impulsiveness, and inappropriate anger. While not causing abuse, these traits can perpetuate abusive choices.
3. Psychopathy
A psychopath feels no guilt, shame, or remorse. They may even derive pleasure from others’ pain, as shown by increased response in the brain’s ventral striatum.
4. Antisocial Personality Disorder
Also known as sociopathy, characterized by a lack of remorse, an inability to distinguish right from wrong, and a desire for domination and control. Unlike psychopathy, sociopathy is often linked to past trauma.
Abuse Isn’t Your Fault
Many survivors only recognize the red flags of abuse after escaping the abuser. Hindsight provides clarity that is often obscured by romantic or obsessive feelings during the relationship.
If you realize you missed the signs of abuse, stayed longer than you should have, or went back multiple times, remember: it’s not your fault. Abuse is a choice the abuser makes, not something you deserved because you missed the signs.
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